Uneventful Life

I should be very excited because I am actually going out tonight, but I don't really care. I am not happy. Why can't I just get a goal in my sights and work towards it? I have a very hard time getting going and then keeping that momentum for more than a few days at a time. I mean just a few days ago, I was all gung-ho about moving forward and today, I feel like a lump of mud. I just want to sit here and ooze. I guess I should just tell myself this too shall past and I'm sure it will, but when do I get to have a time where I don't need something to pass? When can I actually, truly be happy for more than a day or two at a time? I sound like a basket case. I should have taken a course in life management while I was in school, cause my parents didn't prepare me for any of this. I didn't think it was going to be this hard. Isn't life supposed to be interesting and fun not boring and non eventful? I guess this is something I need to do myself, but I have tried. I have gone out and met new people and tried new things. I have completely changed my routines and aspirations and I'm still miserable. WTF?!? This time it is all me too, no one is sitting here yelling at me or telling me I didn't do something right, or complaining that I'm not fair. This is just me going through the motions of my meaningless life. I can't even get excited for things I really want to do. I feel I am a burden on everyone I know. Everyone is so busy, why aren't I? If I were, I wouldn't have hours and hours to sit and wonder why I'm just sitting here.

Sad

It takes so very little to make me happy, but it also takes so very little to make me sad. I can be completely satisfied with kind gesture or word and completely derailed with negative behavior or a flippant remark. I cling to any kindness I can find because it reminds me of what I want for myself and I repel any rudeness because it's what I fear I will become. I am so very sad. Not for any logical reason, just because. I am sad that I have such a long journey, I am sad because I don't think I am strong enough anymore, I am also sad because I am so very alone. All of these things are, I'm sure, in my messed up head, but at this moment in time it is how I feel. I cannot imagine being able to crawl out of the hole I have created. I want to with all my heart, I want to believe that I can do it, but right now I'm thinking no, that's not gonna happen. Writing down my feelings is good and bad for me. Good because I always feel better when I'm finished but bad because I never know if I'm telling myself the truth or if I am elaborating the truth just to make it sound better. I say I can do something but am I actually lying to myself and never believed I could do it in the first place? It's pointless to try to figure it out now. I will say that I'm glad I reached out even though I'm so sad now. You never know what you have in common with someone unless you ask. It was a good lesson for me to learn. Nothing lasts forever and I feel like an idiot for even caring, but it is what it is, right? I'll just have to write more often and think less. Thinking is over rated anyway. Who needs to think in order to be happy? Mindless droning, that's where all of the happiness lies. Speaking without getting any reaction and laughing all alone. Oh well, it was a good run!

Art is a Passion

Art is a passion. It is something people are born with and can't get out of their blood. A non artistic person can never understand why it is so important to have a creative outlet like drawing or painting or sculpture. Just like I will never understand why some people enjoy arguing about every minuscule thing said at the dinner table or have to assign a number value to everything to make it relevant in some way. If I hear someone talking about numbers I tune them out. When the kids ask for help with their math homework I have to read it about fifteen times before I can even comprehend what they are asking. But if someone is talking about colors or opinions on a certain art subject, my ears perk up. I love to hang out and enjoy the wonders around us and see how it has changed from the last time I was there. My garden for instance. It is such a pleasure to walk around it every day and see how things have grown or what is now blooming that wasn't there before. My parents would walk out in their garden every day after work. My dad was interested in all of the new things that most people never even notice. I didn't understand what they were so excited about back then, but I get it now. There is so much to see and enjoy around you if you just take the time to stop and find it. When I go on my walks, besides the freaky raccoon encounters, I notice how big the creek is getting with all of the spring rains and how green the trees are becoming as the buds get bigger. The cute little ducks in the pond who no doubt have a nest and I can't wait until the little babies start venturing out too. I enjoy looking at all of the houses and the cool architecture, what kind of stones they used in their chimneys or fences and the landscaping. It all interests me. I envy my parents and the fact that they had so much to enjoy together and they also passed that love of everything around us down to me. I'm sure at the time that was not their intention, they were just doing what came naturally. I'm very grateful for the ability to stop and smell the flowers that they gave me and I'm going to start making a conscious effort to try and share this with my own kids. When you have as many kids as I do and you are so busy all of the time you kind of forget to share in the kids wonder about the world. Hopefully it's not too late to instill a little appreciation for the beauty of all that is around us.

I'm sure it is not too late for Eddie, she is so much like me, it is kind of sad. She will be in the middle of a full blown fit and catch a glimpse of herself in a mirror and you can tell she's checking out her crying face to see if it is believable or not. We were playing cards the other night and every time Max said something he would be looking past me at his reflection in the sliding glass door to see all of his cool gestures and expressions. Lex has always had a flair for the dramatic. Ever since he was little he could go from happy to lying flat on the floor bawling in a matter of milliseconds. He also is the one who at age three came to me one day and said "mom nothing's in my pants"! Not knowing what the heck he was talking about I said "What do you mean there's nothing in your pants"? "Nothing, my imaginary friend, he's in my pants". Well, Nothing has been with us ever since and he ventures out of Lex's pants quite frequently. He's a fun guy, gets into a little bit of trouble every once in a while, but Lex sets him straight.The three youngest definitely have some acting potential. The two older ones are going to be more quiet, but they in their own right have much artistic talent. Gwen can draw like no body's business and Gus' talent is in his mind (no it's not imaginary), he can remember everything, as long as it is of interest to him. That would include movie lines and Yu-Gi-Oh card special abilities. Certainly not important history facts or the state capitals or anything that would help him in school. After writing this I guess I do see a few things I must have had some influence on and without their dad they would be math illiterate. So maybe they will actually be smart and artsy a feat I still can't pull off!

Seriously, Do I Have A Brain?

It's amazing how much time I can waste. I have been trying to change my Facebook profile picture all day. Friggin-A. How long should that take a normal human being?!? I am the most tech unsavy person I know. Seriously, I should have my own personal nerd to follow me around just so I don't mess up the computer. Chip specifically told me when we got our new computer to save all of the pictures onto the external hard drive. Do you think I could do that? No, I could not. The drive was off and for some odd reason when it is turned off it doesn't give itself as an option for a place to save. I swear, I can never do anything the right way. If try really really hard I can do it but as soon as I let my guard down or do something too quickly, I mess up. I have to check and recheck everything so many times, it is ridiculous. So, I saved my stupid pictures onto the stupid hard drive of the stupid computer which in any other universe would be no big deal, right? But in mine it's going to be a hassle. If I knew what I was doing, I would just move them and everything would be peachy but I would probably delete some vital information so I'm just going to leave them there and hope that today is a 'Andrea screwed up again but it's not a big deal' day. Anyway, my day has been spent in front of the computer again and not on anything productive. Unless my profile picture can somehow make me some money or clean up my house! Oh well, at least the sun is finally shining. I'm going to try to enjoy it for a little while and hopefully get something done.

We all knew that wasn't going to happen, didn't we? The kids all scattered after school so I decided to go for a walk. I went down the hill toward the creek like I always do and as I turned the corner I screamed and backed up almost into the street. Why? Because I came disturbingly close to stepping on a dead raccoon. Which is really quite unremarkable seeing that it is a highway and I'm sure that kind of thing happens all of the time. The remarkable thing is that this is the fifth day in a row that I have gone on a walk and the fifth day in a row I have seen the poor little thing and screamed my head off. What the hell? If anyone sees me they must just laugh their asses off. How can I consistently forget it is there? Seriously, it's not like he keeps popping out of a new place every time. He is always in the same place and I am always freaked out. Do you think I might have a few issues? When I got home I saw a leaf. I knew it was a leaf but as I got closer I wasn't so sure. Suddenly the wind blew it and I jumped back convinced it was a mouse. It was still just a leaf. I went out back to rake out my gardens which also freaks me out because I'm convinced I'm going to be the mean person who rakes up some baby bunnies or equally adorable creatures. I heard a loud crack and looked down at my rake. It looked okay so I kept going. A few minutes later another crack. This time I could tell it was kind of off, but I kept raking. Needless to say, my rake didn't make it. I figured I had another in the shed so I just went and got that one. I started raking and after about three pulls the rake part just fell off of the stick. I took this as a sign to stop raking. At least the baby bunnies are safe for another day cause big mean rake lady is gone. I wonder if a bunny could loosen a screw?

Someday

What a wonderful weekend! I really needed some time away. Being away refreshed my memory on a of couple things. One is that Chip has really come a long way when it comes to staying with the kids. They are not happy when I'm gone and they make it really difficult for him and I don't think I really ever give him credit for even letting me go. I fixate on the fact that they are acting up and he's not stopping them and not on the fact that I am not the one who has to deal with it at that moment in time. I know it is not the ideal situation, it would be nice if they jumped up and down all excited to spend the weekend with their daddy. If they did that I would probably complain that they like him better than me. The second thing is that I need to stop being a martyr. Had I decided to go away for a night a few months ago, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand. A family is only as strong as it's weakest link. If I was burnt out, then things that normally didn't bother me very much bothered me a lot. I'm not saying everything is going to be perfect because I relaxed for a day or two, but it might help a little. I always thought those girls who would go for their weekly massages were just spoiled, but maybe in some cases they are actually doing their families some good. By taking care of themselves, they are in turn taking care of their families. That totally sounds like a pile of crap just so I can have an excuse to pamper myself once in a while. And so what if it is? If a night or two away from my kids helps me to be even a little bit better mom isn't it worth it?

I have been trying to write for what seems like forever. I am sitting in my room with my mp3 turned up as loud as it will go (I wonder why my hearing is going?) and I can still hear Eddie rambling. She has been talking for three hours straight. For awhile she just stood in front of me singing as loud as she could trying to get me to take my head phones off. I didn't fall for it. She just keeps going. She doesn't need me to talk back to her. She can carry on a conversation perfectly well with or without me. She will just keep babbling on and on and on. Asking and answering, arguing and explaining, gesturing and miming. I swear, she will never be lonely. When you can entertain yourself for that amount of time it's got to be some kind of talent. Damn, I try to tune her out and it is impossible. I can't think when she does this. When she infrequently leaves the room along comes Max. It's like they are some sort of talking tag team. When ones not speaking to me the other one has to be. And then there are the hand off times when they are both talking at the same time until one wanders out of earshot. I think I heard something about soap or dinosaurs or deodorant I'm not really sure any more. Crap, they are never going to stop! Someday I will miss this. I just have to keep telling myself that or I might not think it is so charming. Someday I'll miss this, someday I'll miss this, someday I'll miss this...is it someday yet???

Tales From My Trip

I'm in Milwaukee at a really nice hotel, sitting in a very comfy bed. A girl could get used to this. We had a lot of fun tonight! We spent the night talking to James and his wife, Heidi at the art walk. We both found a few things we had to have. It was great to talk to James again, I miss all of the fun we used to have. Oh, to be sixteen again! I still can't believe it has been so long. I feel like it was yesterday we were playing Dukes of Hazard in the St. Jude parking lot and lighting our farts in the back seat of the car - what? If you have never tried it I would highly recommend the experience, loads of fun, if your sixteen, that is!! Kelsie and I reluctantly left the art fair to go to a wine bar that Jessica told us about called Vino 100. Very cool. It was a beautiful night and we sat outside and drank wine and people watched, which is always a fun experience. At about eleven thirty, we realized we hadn't had any dinner, oops! So we went in search of the ultimate pizza. We went to one place which had much ambiance, or in lay man's term's lots of lots of guy's a girl could really get into watching, but they were closing. We ended up at a restaurant near our hotel with less ambiance, but freakin' good pizza! Which was OK, cause we were really hungry and in this case, hunger trumped ambiance. All in all a very good night away from the old grind, Maybe I can take some of my experience home and spread the inspiration and good feelings around.

Just to gain perspective, Max did call my cell phone about five times trying to get a hold of me. He and Gus had an argument about something trivial and he felt he had to tell me every detail of the encounter, but that was okay, because after he told me about the entire situation, I didn't hear from him again the whole night. Proof again that sometimes people just need someone to listen to them. It's amazing what a little listening can do for a situation. Sometimes it can take something with the potential to explode and completely destroy everything in it's path and tame it to a mere bump in the road of life. Too bad more people don't take the time to listen a little more often and ignore a little less often. I'm betting it would make all the difference in the world.

Ass

How sad is it that I haven't been away from my kids for more than a couple of hours in over six months? I'm thinking that a huge part of my problem might be kid overload. Everyone needs a break once in a while. If I had an actual job I would have many more breaks and vacation time. Do you know why businesses give you those incentives? To keep you happy and productive. Imagine that. Wanting to keep your employees happy. What a concept. You cannot expect a person to work constantly for months upon months without giving them any time off. And don't tell me that moms get breaks when their kids are sleeping or at school. There is never a time from the day our first child is born to the day we take our last breath that we are not on some level thinking about them. Certainly there are times when our minds are mostly kid free, but then we are probably thinking about bills, or groceries, or heaven forbid what our husbands need at that moment in time. The amount of stuff that rattles around in my over tasked brain is amazing. What's more amazing is that I am able to keep five kids and their schedules and all of their crap semi organized without too many problems. Hopefully.

Ass. That's all I have to say. He's an ass. I was carting the kids around all afternoon. The baby had a father/child night at her school, so he had to come home at a decent time tonight. Sweet, right? It should be, but after I had picked up the boys from bowling, I was going to go home, drop them off and pick up Gus for baseball practice, but then I had, what at the time seemed like, a brilliant thought. Gus' practice was less than a block from where Chip and Eddie were going at the exact same time. What would be the big deal for Chip to drop Gus off at practice and save me a good twenty minutes of running around? So, I get home and Chip and Eddie are just getting ready to leave. So I say "Hey Chip do you think you could drop Gus off for me"? Huuuuhhhhh! If I would have known earlier I could have been ready earlier and it wouldn't have been a problem. Mind you this is at twenty to six. Practice was at six, I don't know how much time it takes to slow down and push Gus out of the car at the baseball field, but I guess longer than he had. I proceeded to drive Gus to practice with Chip and Eddie behind me the entire way. Poor Gus has now heard the word ass a few too many times for his young ears. I was still pissed when I made it to the field so I told Gus to close his eyes and flipped Chip off. I'm sure he didn't see me, but it made me feel a little better. Ass.