Wanna Kiss Your Brain???

We had just stopped home for a minute to pick something or someone up the other day when from the back seat I hear "Mom, Mom, hey Mom". I said "Yes, Eddie what do you need"? "Look Mom, this is how you kiss your brain". I turned to look and she was kissing the palm of her hand and then patting it on the top of her head. I almost lost it. Too freaking funny. Of course, after hearing my laughter, she kept asking, "What's so funny, Mom. Is it me again"? I guess I will never learn my lesson. I really have to stop encouraging her, but what fun would that be? She has also taken to singing along with me to the songs on the radio. Cute, right? I don't know if you've been listening to anything that's been on the radio lately, but they are probably not the best things for a five year old to be singing at the top of her lungs in public. Her current favorites include "Birthday Sex", "Fire Burning", and the ever popular "LoveGame" by Lady GaGa . Who by the way, looks kinda like Debbie Gibson did in the eighties, but rated XXX. I thought Eddie's singing was very adorable. Then the other day, out of the blue, she says, "Hey Mommy, what's a disco stick"? Also not the best thing to laugh my ass off about, but of course, I did! Oh well, if the worst thing she becomes is a comedian I guess I could have done worse!

Bored? Try Karaoke!

I went to a karaoke bar last night...by myself. I decided that I wasn't going to sit home and be bored when there was a perfectly good Saturday night awaiting me. I went in, sat at the bar and ordered a drink. The music was pretty sucky for the first hour or so. So I pulled out my trusty laptop and did some writing. They were singing stuff like Frank Sinatra and Johnny Cash which is not normally a problem unless it is being sung by way off pitched senior citizens. After an hour or so and a drink or two, the music miraculously improved tenfold. It really doesn't matter if it was the music or the alcohol, the point is that I started to have fun! A woman kept stopping by my table asking me various questions about stuff in general and nothing in particular. After talking to her half a dozen times, or so, we were, of course, best friends. I proceeded to join her and her friends for the remainder of the evening. We had a blast dancing and...you guessed it...singing. In my case very badly, but whatever, I thought the music was good, so maybe everyone else was as tone deaf as I was by then I sounded like the best singer on the planet! It's possible. I wasn't booed off the stage or anything so traumatic. That's the nice thing about karaoke bars, everyone there is just trying to have fun. I'm sure there's other things going on, but, all in all, I think people are there to enjoy themselves and aren't expecting much more than a good time. Yeah, I know, my name is next to the word "naive" in the dictionary. The point being that I had a blast and I think I might just have to meet up with my new "friends" and make a fool of myself again...soon! What...I'm good at it!

Parental Approval...Who Needs It?

It doesn't matter how old I get anytime my parents are around I am time warped back to being a little kid. Everything I do and say makes me feel like I am like twelve years old again. I am always seeking their approval and can't seem to stop it. I spent Gus' whole game showing my mom all of my beads that I am using to make jewelry, yes, yet another hobby. I made a necklace last night and I was so proud of it, I wore it to the game. In my defense I didn't know my mom was going to be there. I was just trying to pass the time during the most boring game ever invented. I have issues with anyone, but especially my mother, approving of what I do at any given moment in time. I have a fragile ego, obviously. Luckily she liked it , kind of, she had an issue with the randomness of it which was kind of the point of the entire necklace. I wanted it to be totally random. It's almost as hard to explain what I mean in print as it is to explain it to my mother. She is very artistic, but doesn't necessarily like all art. If she doesn't think a particular piece is any good she will definitely let you know. This may be the reason I never did any real art when I was young. I never felt what I did met with her approval. It was probably just me being too sensitive but it seemed that she was pretty sure I was void of all talent when it came any type of artistic pursuits.Too bad kids don't know that what their parents say does matter to a point, but they are certainly not the end all be all of opinions. When you are a kid all that matters is your parents approval...what else is there? Can you imagine the magnitude of talent that has been squelched just because parents disapproved of something a child was interested in? It happens all of the time. A child is totally excited about something they did and when they go to show it to someone they are either ignored or worse yet they are told it is not any good. Sometimes, of course it isn't any good and I guess we should not encourage these instances but other times it is very good and we, as parents, are either too tired or too fed up to care and we unintentionally, I hope, squashing their little creative minds like a bug under our collective shoe. I sound very bitter. Maybe I am. You know what? I am. I have wasted too many years believing what other people had to say about me. I know I shouldn't freaking care, but that is much easier said than done. Everyone has a self perceived fault of some kind that no matter what anyone else says they are always going to believe it doesn't measure up. In my case it is pretty much everything. Yes, my parents did quite a number on me. Did I have a point? I think it is that it doesn't hurt to treat your kids with respect and give their talents the light of day that they deserve. We shouldn't blow them off because we are busy or their sibling might be better at that particular talent, or some other asinine reason that at the time seems convenient. Children are not only sponges for knowledge but also for all of the crap we tell them about them and their abilities whether it is positive or negative. They will suck it up and then it is in there for good. Just look at me, it doesn't matter how many people tell me I am good at something I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that is saying, "No, Andrea, you are not that good, look at that person over there, now they are good, you should try to be more like them". Thanks mom and dad! I'll just have to try to work on my self-esteem so as not to waste the remainder of the short years on this earth because of things my parents may or may not have said eons ago. Like I said when it comes to parents, it is really hard to let things go.

CCQ Rules!

Lex, Eddie and I are at Los. I think I am starting to make a habit of this. There are worse habits. I know, I've had many of them at one time or another. Talk about an addictive personality. I'm guessing I don't like change. The kids had soccer games tonight. Max called me and asked if I would stop and pick up some CCQ for him. I didn't say when, so we are going to enjoy our dinners and bring his food home when we are done. I'm beginning to like soccer season. Even with all of the running and losing of uniforms and freaking out not knowing if it is my turn for snack or not. It's nice to be able to just sit, relax, talk to other grown ups, and watch the kids play. What would I be doing at home anyway? I'd probably be stressing out about one thing or another and getting all upset because there is too much to do and not enough time in the day. Maybe there would be a little more time to finish my projects if I would stop writing this, eh? Eddie played her game without too much incident. She insisted on hanging out in the goal every time she was on defense. When the other team was coming in for a score there were four of them in the goal. The goalie and the three defensive players. They were all standing next to each other and basically just took up the entire space. The ball just bounced right out of the box. Another time they were going to kick the ball and they wanted everyone behind the white line. Where was Eddie? Actually hanging by her knees from the top of the goal. I'm so proud! That's why I don't stress over sports. These people are yelling at five year olds about their soccer techniques. I know, practice makes perfect and losers never win and all that crap but five? Give me a break! I think they need to be a little bit older before you can decide if they are going to be a soccer phenom or not. I suppose a lot of parents have already decided before their children are even born what they are going to do with their entire lives. Which would make five pretty much late on their time scale. I am a firm believer in just letting the coaches tell the kids what to do. Half the time the parents don't even know what they are talking about. They tell their kids to do something stupid. Their kids listen and then it the kids fault. At one of Max's games recently one of the parents yelled out, "Pick it up"! I'm assuming to the goalie and one of the players from the other team picked up the ball. I don't know what people expect, if I was a kid on the field and adults are yelling at me I would tend to just do what I was told. Live and learn. They will eventually have to figure out that their parents don't know everything and I'm guessing that the soccer field is a pretty good place to find that out. Lex's game was fun too. The parents have been banned from sitting in the players side of the field so we were all sitting under the trees in the shade. It was damn hot. We are so far away from the field it hardly pays to cheer. The kids can't even hear us. That's okay, 'cause as I'm pretty sure I might have mentioned, it was too damned hot anyway! I think the Los after the game habit should continue the entire season, in fact I'm pretty sure I'd like to carry it well into the post season! That might be the CCQ talking! I love CCQ!

Lucky me?

I am sitting on my deck drinking a cup of coffee. The sun is shinning, the birds are singing and I feel like there's a Mack truck parked right on my soul. What the hell is wrong with this picture. I should be grateful for this beautiful day and my wonderful kids but due to a series of events which I will not bore you with, I am just numb. Why am I so all or nothing? I am never happy in the middle. I have no right to complain. Sure I'm having issues, but who doesn't? Do I sound like a broken record here. It seems like I am just going day by day making excuses for why the day before this one sucked and what I could have done to make it not suck and then regretting the fact that I did not do the un-sucky thing. Whine, whine, whine. I am so over this roller coaster of a life I have. I'm never sure what is going to set the fighting off and I'm afraid that I may be the cause. If I'm not actually starting the fights, maybe it is because of a perceived attitude that I have directed towards him even if I'm not aware of it. A person can only put up with so much before they break. I need some non mixed messages and soon. We go from every things fine to I'm the biggest bitch on the planet in one fail swoop. I certainly never intended to hurt his feelings. Or did I? Everyone wants to believe they are so holier than thou when it comes to who started which fight and whose points were the most valid. It takes at least two people to disagree and I'm just as guilty. Whether I feel like I have just cause or not, it doesn't really matter. Until I can stay completely out of the negativity and accusing. It will never stop. It's like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum. If you ignore their actions the tantrum will eventually go away, you just have to be patient and calm. The more words and actions you pour over that tantrum the higher the flames will burn until it eventually blows up and everyone involved is tired and miserable, and sometimes damaged beyond recognition. I need to stop fueling the fire. Hopefully it will burn itself out. It is so hard not to take the bait. Especially when they know all of your buttons and the exact moment to press them to put you into all out bitch mode. I'm trying to ignore as much as I can. Maybe if I can be less reactive and they can be a little more proactive it will get better. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky.

My Momma

My children are brilliant! Okay, maybe not all of them and I will probably be taking this all back the next time they annoy me, but Lex and Eddie have something special going on. Lex had the chance to go to the park and play today and guess what he chose to do instead? No, not stay at home just to annoy me, although I can't say he hasn't done that from time to time. He wanted to finish writing the instructions for his new video game. He wants me to submit it to Nintendo. I have no idea if it is any good because I don't play very many video games, but the point is that he is applying himself to a worthwhile project. Maybe I should start taking some hints from him, eh? Eddie wasn't quite as gung-ho to stay home, she actually did want to go to the park, but had to stay because the other kids didn't want to have to watch her. After a few, okay quite a few, minutes of crying she decided to join her brother at the table and started writing and drawing. Lex kept on asking me how to spell certain words and I would spell them for him. Eddie noticed this, so she started asking me to spell for her too. I said I would, but she doesn't know which letters are which, so it is harder. She said just point to the computer if I don't know the letter. I thought that was pretty smart of her. So that's what we did. A few quick notes that said I O U Eddie, her way of saying I love you, with hearts and arrows and squiggly lines for decoration, she came over holding a piece of paper and started to read from it. (or so it looked) She said:
My Momma
I love my Momma when she brings me somewhere
I love my Momma when she brings me to Florida
I love my Momma when she brings me to Rachel's
I love my Momma when she brings me on trips
I love my Momma when she brings me to the park
I love my Momma when she reads to me
I love my Momma when she watches movies with me
I love my Momma when she brings me to soccer
I love my Momma every day
I love my Momma because she loves me.

When she finished she looked up at me and I said, "Oh Ed, that's a wonderful poem". A huge smile spread across her face. Then I said, "Let's write it down", 'cause we all know what kind of memory I have. So here it is. Days like today really make all the really hard ones worth it. Kids are a surprise a minute and if you are too busy to listen you might just miss some of the best surprises in the whole world. So, Lex is still plugging away at his video game idea, I talked the older kids into watching their little sister at the park, and I am basking in the fact that maybe, just maybe, I see a slight upswing in the balance of my life. All thanks to a little girl who, apparently, loves her Momma.

No Kids Allowed

Another day without fighting. Hmmmmmm, I'm beginning to wonder who took my children and if it would be possible for them to just keep things the way they are. I kinda like it. There a still a few fights here and there, but for the most part they have been very good. The boys have taken a liking to going to the park. I go with them every once in awhile just to see what's going on. They spend the entire day playing and running. It is a much better influence than at home where they would more than likely be playing too many video games and then arguing about those same games. I was always leery of sending them to the park. I don't know what I thought was going to happen, knowing me I was just thinking that I am capable of taking care of my kids without anyone else's help. More than likely it was my husbands family's influence. They don't want anyone to know anything, ever. I always feel that I can't let my kids out of my sight for fear they might...umm...I don't know what I'm supposed to be afraid of them doing. All I know is I was never to let them go anywhere. And for the longest time they couldn't have anyone over to our house either. I got tired of the neighborhood kids constantly ringing my door bell and then having to make excuses as to why my kids couldn't play. I started to let them in and ever since they've played nicely together, for the most part. Sheltering your kids is fine to a certain extent and when done for the right reasons. If they are in a dangerous situation or you don't know where they are going to be you should tell them no. I never got a legitimate reason why other kids couldn't play with my kids. And when I finally let them they got along great. In fact they didn't fight with each other as much. It would have saved me years of frustration if I could have allowed them those freedoms from the beginning. I don't know why, against my better judgement, I was swayed to go against my gut instincts. I think I just want to please everyone and somehow in the process forgot that I should please myself too. My opinions matter and for someone to belittle my decisions and tell me I'm wrong when they are not the one who is here dealing with the children all day was not fair. It was so my fault. I was trying to make sure one person was happy and neglected to notice that the other six were miserable. Not that I don't want everyone to be happy, but spending all of my time and energy on making just one of us happy is counterproductive. I can do my best to improve our lives and situation, but unless an individual chooses to be happy there's not much I can do about it. Any who... I'm happy, the kids are happy, I think I might have to give this summer thing another once over before I declare it a gigantic pain in my ass...knock on wood.