How Can You Be Bored?

I'm pretty sure that without my family, I would be a vegetable. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but I certainly wouldn't have much going through my brain. When they aren't around I don't think about much. When they are around, all I think about is them. I wonder if given a chance my mind would eventually start thinking for itself again or if I would just sit here thinking of nothing. Weird. I am short three kids and after all of my complaining about them, I am sitting here, not sure what to do with myself. I should just enjoy myself, right? okay, I'm going to try... Nope, still kinda bored. Maybe I should take up meditation or something to channel my thoughts, if I have any that is. You always want what you can't have and when you finally get what you want you don't know what to do with it. Not that I'm not enjoying the quiet, I am, but I think I have gotten used to being on high alert and when there is nothing to be alarmed about it almost worries me. Now how bizarre is that? Babbling is apparently my forte today. I am really going to enjoy my calm afternoon and stop wondering why I'm not enjoying it more. Life is what it is, right?

Speaking of being bored, I went to Appleton to drop off Eddie and Lex at Stacy's house. She would be the slightly insane woman who actually asked for two of my children to spend the night at her house. I asked the boys if they wanted to come along. They, of course, said no. I told them Appleton is a half an hour away, I wouldn't be home very soon. They said they wanted to stay. I said we could play at a park near their aunt's house. They said they would be fine. So I, against my better judgement left them happily watching their TV shows. I actually made it all the way down to Appleton and was able to visit for about two minutes when my phone started vibrating. I answered and Gus said "Hey mom, where are you". I said "I'm at your aunt house, why"? He proceeded with "Well why aren't you home"? I answered "I told you I would be gone for at least an hour and a half. Why, what do you need"? "We're bored"he said. Whatever.

Princess Envy

Why do I set myself up for failure? I would be better off just accepting a sucky life than expecting things that just aren't going to happen. I have always been a dreamer. When I was a little girl I always thought I would grown up to be a really well kept woman. I had visions of cooks, and drivers, and the all important maid. I wouldn't have to do anything except what made me happy. I would have gardens, and a mansion with a library that had a rolling ladder to the towers of books, and my own grounds with ponds and fields to enjoy (yes I have really thought this through). My children were going to be well-rounded, schooled at the finest academies, raised with horse riding lessons and piano lessons and foreign language lessons. We were going to be a very happy and obviously wealthy family. I know this was not attainable, but as a little girl, I sure thought it was. My mother had me completely convinced that this was my lot in life. She was always talking about the finer things and I will admit my childhood was quite comfortable. I never went without any necessities. We stayed at really nice hotels, shopped in really nice stores, vacationed in really nice places, but what I failed to realize was that unless you are born into money, which I was not, you really have to work your ass off to get it. I suffer from princess envy. I think I deserve things just because I am me. It never even occurred to me to work for it. I see women every day who don't work and it seems as though they have everything that I want. I don't know if they do or not but I need to stop living with the expectation of something that I am never going to achieve and start working toward a goal that is realistic. I don't need all of the fancy things, but I do need to start investing in the quality of life that I have. I know I am very lucky to have all that I do, but a girl can still dream, can't she?

Waiting for Asshole

This one is just me being neurotic. Why do I wait for him? Every night starting at 5:30 my life revolves around him.When is he going to be home, is he going to want to eat, is he going to be in a good mood? The list goes on and on. I know I should just do what ever I need to do, but for some reason I can't. I have to wait until he's home and then I fixate over what he needs. Over the past weeks I have not given a rat's ass where he was and I was very productive and happy. Now after only a day I am back in my rut of waiting and waiting for someone who really could care less about any of the things that I feel he cares about. I don't know if this is what I think a good wife should do, or if I think this is what he would want me to do, but I have to stop it. I am constantly thinking about whether he isn't coming home because of something I did or if he is lying dead on the side of the road. Logically he is just working late, but in my twisted mind I can't believe that. I always have to have some other reason for his behavior. I don't know why I think men are so deep. Most of them are not. I know mine isn't. He just doesn't think about things the way I do. He doesn't understand that when he's not home on time it drives me nuts, even though once he gets home I act like I didn't need him to be home or I complain that his being home has somehow caused a problem that didn't exist while he was not home. No wonder men and women are always complaining about each other. Just by being we drive each other nuts. I need to stop fixating on imaginary roles for myself and concentrate on doing what I need to do to be a happy productive person.

I think I would go completely insane if not for my kids. I can be at the end of my rope ready to throw in the towel and all of a sudden they say something so off the wall I have to laugh. For example Eddie kept asking and asking for a slushie at the drive-thru window. I told her they were expensive and I didn't want to spend that much on something she wasn't going to finish. She kept asking and I kept saying no. Finally after many promises that she would finish the whole thing I agreed to buy her one. She ordered a strawberry slushie from the girl at the drive- thru who, by the way, had to listen to our entire inane conversation about slushies. When it came Eddie was so excited she thanked me over and over again. I handed it to her, she took a sip and said, 'This tastes like gunk. I am going to drink it all up, but it tastes like gunk.' I asked her what she meant by it tasted like gunk and she said it was slushie bushie. I guess that was supposed to explain everything. After a few more questions I learned that slushie bushie meant that the girl must have made it too slushie and all of the flavor was whipped out. I decided that this story alone was worth the two bucks for the drink which, by the way, is still sitting in my car completely full. So, for all of you out there who ever wanted to know if slushie bushie was a good thing - we now know, it is not.

Baseball is as Exciting as Watching Paint Dry

Yet another sacrifice we make for our kids. I am sitting in an informational meeting for baseball. I am not a baseball fan, if I had my choice I would never sit through an entire game. But my little boy has decided that baseball is his thing. I'm not sure if he decided this just because there was too much running in soccer or if he truly likes the sport. It doesn't really matter. He has committed so now I am a 'just while my sons playing' baseball fan. Soccer games are fast paced and exciting. Baseball games are kind of like watching paint dry. The only edge of your seat time is when your kid is playing but that lasts all of five seconds per inning and then you get to watch him in the dugout spitting and readjusting himself. These are purely my opinions. I'm sure there are many many people who actually enjoy the sport, but I can't imagine why. Parent involvement in these things is unbelievable. I always thought that sports were for the children. It almost seems like these parents are so into living their children's lives that they all but put the little uniforms on and run the bases. Maybe when they were kids they didn't get to play or their coaches yelled at them too much. Overprotective parents are not the exception anymore they are the norm. I don't fit that mold. I am too lazy to be overprotective. I'm barely protective. Oh who are we kidding, I rarely give a shit. Hopefully my kids will see it as it was - letting them experience their childhoods themselves. Enjoy!

I Love Mondays

Monday's are supposed to be the least looked forward to day of the week. Not for me - bring them on! I love Mondays. I finally get a chance to hear myself think after a very long weekend of six people either talking, fighting, or complaining pretty much non-stop. I love my family very much but everyone has a child exposure time limit. Mine used to be much longer. Maybe it's because I'm getting older or maybe it's because they are getting older but the fact remains that every day I wake up with the ideal that this is going to be a great day and by the time I go to bed I am wondering 'why me'??? I really try to keep that positive attitude going but when a whole day passes and you have accomplished nothing and then the kids start complaining about something totally asinine it starts to fade away. Ten arguements later it's gone completely and you are one of those kids complaining that 'it's not fair that I have to do the dishes either, but I do them because that's what families do'. I'm not so sure anymore. My family is nothing like what I thought a family would be like. Maybe I am way out in left field here, but I always pictured a family to be two parents who respected each other and would do things to help each other out not caring if it was a mom job or a dad job. They would make sure, even if they didn't agree all of the time, to let the kids know what the rules were and hope that by standing together the kids just might follow them. I thought I would have kids who at least try to be helpful and care about their brothers and sisters and want to do little things to make every one's life a little easier. Okay, I know, total fantasy, but my reality sucks, so I need to figure out a way to either accept the fact that my family is never going to be the 'not drive me nuts' type of family or do something to help them become the 'not going to drive me nuts' type of family. I believe that positive thoughts help to bring positive results but that is next to impossible when the negative out weighs the positive six to one. I'm going to keep looking for that silver lining and try not to let the whining and complaining bother me so much. Before I know it I will be blogging about how empty and quiet the house is and how I remember the laughter and good times like they were yesterday. The story of my life seems to be wait and see, but that's what I will have to do and hope that all of the waiting and seeing doesn't leave me wondering what if I hadn't waited?

Hope?

Who ever said that drinking never solved any problems? Okay, my problems aren't solved. I'm not so stupid as to believe that, but after a full night of all out soul-bearing screaming I think I may have found a tiny crack in my theory. Maybe, just maybe, there might be a chance that I can get through this. It certainly is not going to be easy and I'm betting I will be bitching and complaining many more times. As of right now, I have hope for the first time in a really long while. In order for problems to be solved both parties have to be willing to give a little. I felt I was giving a lot. I have finally seen an honest effort to give back. I don't know if it is genuine or a complete last ditch effort but I am willing to wait it out and see. I do however know now that if it is another ploy to delay the inevitable there won't be any warnings next time. I am convinced that I am strong enough and determined enough to make it on my own. Lessons exist to be learned and without being brave enough to risk failure there can be no growth. Hopefully we can figure out how to move forward together.