Why So Young?

Okay, can I plead ignorance? I was just a kid a summer out of high school when I met my husband. How in the hell is someone with that little life experience supposed to make an informed decision? Everyone under the age of, oh, let's say 25, needs to pay close attention to that last sentence. What the hell was I thinking? We dated for a few years and got married. I have never had a real job nor do I have any degree or experience of any kind except maybe if you can count wiping noses and butts, hopefully in that order. I don't know if I didn't think I was going to be able to do any better or if at one time it was better. In the process of raising a family I have completely lost myself. I always had ambitions and dreams, I think. It has been so long now I can't be totally positive. I think they were noble and righteous and I'm sure, knowing myself as I do, a hell of a lot of fun! I was so anxious to get on with my adult life. I wanted to be married and start a family and for that I am so very grateful. I would never change one thing about having my children. Okay, maybe I would have had a few more epidurals - those things rock! But I digress, I don't want to sound ungrateful. I am very grateful but on days like today when I feel like walking out the door and never even looking back, I'm a little concerned. How can I be so confused? It's like I have spent the last 15 years of my life making left turns and I am about an inch and a half from where I started. I certainly am not trying to imply that I have any one to blame but myself. I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions but that's not as easy as it sounds. Making decisions is a scary prospect. Decisions mean consequences. I'm sure most of my daily decisions are good ones. I was raised a good Catholic girl for goodness sake! But when I do make a wrong decision, I can't stand the pressure of having made a mistake - also a direct result of being raised a good Catholic girl. I look at people around me and how much they have accomplished in the same amount of time. Some have started businesses, some are successful with three post doctorate degrees and some are remarried two or three times. Not that I want to do any of those things but it illustrates the fact that they were not standing still like me. I have been watching the world spin and everyone on it has been having the ride of their lives, literally. Time to hop in and hold on for dear life!

Tonight has been pretty calm or as calm as a house can be with seven kids in it. My kids have friends over and I think they are still a little shocked from the scary tax 'discussion' mommy and daddy had a few hours ago. I hate tax time! I am not the most organized person on the planet, okay I'm probably in the lower third or fourth or maybe even sixteenth. Oh crap, let's just say there are a lot of people more organized than me. The point is that there is always something that isn't in the tax envelope and I need to find it immediately or the planet will explode! I don't do stress well. Obviously neither does my husband or he wouldn't be so convinced that the end of the world hinges on whether or not we get our taxes in on time. Funny, I know I can't handle stress, yet I have so many kids. Didn't think that one through very well either! The world isn't going to stop spinning and politely invite me to join the party so I guess it's time to jump on! Wish me luck!