Aunt Joyce

My Aunt Joyce is in the middle of her third bout with ovarian cancer in as many years. She is such an inspiration. I can't believe her drive and determination. It has to be so disheartening to hear over and over again that you need to endure yet another round of treatment for a disease that you have so little control over. I mean if someone has diabetes they can try to improve their diet and exercise and increase their chances of living a pretty normal and happy life. High blood pressure, work on your stress levels and eats less salt. High cholesterol? No more steak for you! But this whole cancer thing sucks. There are lots of things someone can do to try to improve their odds, but the bottom line is that unless that cancer feels like slinking away like the coward that it is. It's going to just keep coming back whenever it damn well pleases. It's like a drunk brother in law who keeps showing up at your doorstep in the middle of the night begging you to let him stay, just this once.You can't let him because he won't stop. You can never give up and you need to just tell yourself that the odds are just that, odds. They can be beat. Not that I would know anything about being so brave and determined but I imagine if you have nothing left but faith, you figure out a way for that to be enough. For a woman who's been to hell and back health wise she looks great. She is going in for a treatment on Tuesday and her sister came up from Florida to spend some time with her. We were all there this weekend to go to my cousin's high school graduation. It was a lot of fun. The time spent with my relatives - not necessarily that spent with my little branch of the family tree, but they weren't too bad. I have had much worse experiences on trips and in hotels with my kids. Tomorrow my sisters and I will drive back here to have lunch with my three aunts and my mother. I'm not sure we have ever done that before. We always have kids or husbands or some special occasion to prepare for. I wasn't planning on having any kids, but my sitter fell through and I am going to have to take Ed. Hopefully she will not mind having to miss a day of school. With all of that blond hair she needs all of the school she can get, you know. It's too bad we don't do this kind of thing more often. There are always excuses. Perfectly fine reasons we cannot possibly take time out of our busy schedules. Those obligations will still be there and we will always have time for excuses later. In the meantime I am going to spend time with my family even if it may be inconvenient for some people. The amount of time spent on this earth is negligible to the quality of time spent with those we love. We have a lot of great memories and I am looking forward to making some more in these next few days. Love you Aunt Joyce!

Night Out Turns Into a Really, Really Long Next Day

I don't have any idea what the hell is wrong with me. Sometimes I can be such a dumb ass. Quite often, actually. I think I have fried my brain cells beyond repair. Why do I ever trust anyone? Really, truly, I should never do that. You would think you know someone forever you should be able to trust them. I've known myself for forever and I can't trust myself, so why would I trust someone who isn't, in fact, me? Quandary. Questions without answers. Questions that should never be asked. Seriously, why should I even care? 'Ya know what? I don't care. Okay, I still care, but whatever. Nothing can be done about it now, right? Right. Moving on...


I went out last night. Had a blast again. It's nice to just go out and not have to worry about losing anything as important as a child or something. I still have to worry about losing shit because I am just that stupid. I can't for the life of me figure out what happened to my ring. I don't remember taking it off and I have no idea when it went missing. But it is gone. I am usually very aware of where my jewelry is at any given time but, alas, last night even this simple task escaped me. Oh well, I guess, live and learn and then superglue your rings onto your fingers. I, like an idiot, stayed up most of the night and then this morning I packed up stuff for my entire family while listening to them argue about how they didn't want to go. No, now they do want to go but they don't want someone else to go. Oh, they don't want to go anymore and dad has to stay home with them so I can just go by myself. I can't go by myself! Why was I going to leave and go to a hotel without them? Holy crap. I tried to ignore as much as possible and by the time I was actually ready to leave they were all in the car waiting patiently. Amazing. I swear they are just trying to get me upset and when they do it's a free for all. It ends up being a complete waste of my time and energy. I know, I should have learned that lesson way before now, and I have - kind of. It's just a really hard lesson to learn and it's even harder to practice religiously. So, anyway, we left town and headed for Wautoma for our cousin's high school graduation. We checked into our hotel and did not get to the party until like three o'clock. The kids swam the entire time we were there and ended up being even crabbier afterwards. We were supposed to go over to my aunt's house too, but on the way the kids disagreed about whether or not they all wanted to go, so none of them went and they wouldn't let me go so, we all stayed in the hotel room. My kids, along with their father, can sit in front of the TV for hours at a time. That is what they are all doing as we speak. Okay, that's not fair, they are playing cards too, but only during commercials. The games take a little longer that way. I think it's about time for me to get some sleep. Looks like exhausted blogging trumps even drunk blogging on the "things not to do no matter how much you might think you want to do them" list, who knew?

Why Didn't I Just Buy It?

Okay, why is it the one thing you need right at this moment is always the one thing you don't have? I have been to the craft store twice in the past two weeks and I looked at a table top easel thinking to myself, "Hey, I could really use one of those". But it was not on sale and I am cheap as dirt so I decided to wait until I had a coupon or something - like if I actually found a coupon I would remember to bring it with me to the store. Wouldn't you know it today I need a table top easel and I am kicking my own ass for not just shelling out the twenty bucks when I had the chance. To make matters worse, I went looking for one at two different stores and couldn't even find anything close to what I need. I could have saved the headache and the time if I just bought it when I had the chance. Oh well, knowing me if I had bought it I wouldn't have felt like using it and I'd be complaining that I wasted that twenty bucks on something I'm not using. I know, I'm a hard nut to crack. I don't fully understand my own neuroses. All I know is it seems like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't so you might as well have fun while your being damned! I don't think the nuns who taught me about the evils of self appreciation and merriment in general would find that the least bit funny. I think the whole point of all of my religion classes was to never have any fun 'cause if you did you'd be damned, I guess I didn't learn that lesson very well. I never was a very good student. So, I am going to go paint now without an easel. The kids come home soon and once that happens it doesn't much matter what I have or don't have because they won't stop talking long enough for it to be used anyway.

Memory Loss

Is forgetfulness catchy? 'Cause I swear I used to be pretty good at keeping things straight and just the past few months I have really been dropping the ball big time. I am very absent minded and completely unreliable. I have forgotten to pay bills - which is completely uncharacteristic of me. I absolutely hate wasting money. I have forgotten many things at school for the kids - but those were mostly during the time I had misplaced my calendar for a whole month. I catch myself slipping into Penny (that's my mom) mode every time I leave the house because I can't find my keys. They are usually in the car door or at the bottom of my gargantuan purse. Just today I forgot about a doctors appointment that Gus had. I was thinking about it all week, but when the day came it completely slipped my mind. Which is even more unfortunate because it was with one of those doctors who will charge you if you don't give enough notice to cancel. More wasted money. This is becoming kind of a habit and not a good one. I don't trust myself to remember anything. I usually have to repeat things over and over in my head until they are in there really well and if I am still not sure I will remember I will resort to writing it on my hand. Pretty sad, eh? And believe you me it's extremely hard to keep your kids from writing on their hands when you are walking around with crib notes up and down your own. I know I have had a lot going on lately, but that shouldn't give me an excuse to just screw up left and right. Why is it that mothers feel the need to do everything and when we can't we feel like such failures? I swear I try my best and I truly can't do any better - at least at this moment in time - so why do I keep kicking myself while I'm down? It's a mothers job to be concerned about every day things that affect their children but is it also their job to feel so guilty when things don't go as smoothly as we would like? Especially when it truly wasn't a matter of life and death. I need to lighten up a little bit. So I am a forgetful mom. At least I'm a mom who is here for them every day and tries to do her best. I could just give up and go gallivanting around the country making my inner child happy. I have to stop giving myself ideas. But that would just prove my bad mommy theory correct and we don't want that now, do we? Good mommy or not so good mommy the choice is mine whether it is literally translated or just the idea up in my head. I can choose to let this bother me or I can pick myself up and dust myself off and just start writing all over my hands.

World's First Scratching Fatality

Seriously, has anyone ever died from scratching themselves to death? I think I need to do some research on the subject because if no one has, I just might be the first. I swear, I can't stop! I know I should. I see the welts on my skin and I know scratching them will only make it worse. The problem is they itch so bad I really don't give a shit! I have no idea why I have hives but I do and they are hell. I went to the doctor and guess what she said? "I don't know what could be causing this". Like I do. Damn, I'm so glad I needed to pay her to tell me that she has no idea what is wrong with me. Actually, I am happy to pay her because she is the one who, even though she has no idea what is wrong with me, was able to prescribe drugs. I don't care what anybody says about drugs if they can stop the itching they are freakin' cool in my book. At least she referred me to someone who might be able to tell me what is wrong - in three weeks! Hopefully I won't have to scratch my way through that time. That would not be any fun and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have any skin left to treat by then anyway. I never had allergies as a child. Or maybe I did, but my parents never admitted it. I have slowly been acquiring them as I get older. After my second child I became allergic to every preservative known to man. Okay, that is a slight exaggeration but not by much. I'm allergic to pretty much every soap and cosmetic and shampoo. I touched a bottle of hand soap in the store the other day and my finger actually started burning. Fun, eh? Then, after I had Eddie, they finally put me on seasonal allergy medication because I was miserable pretty much all of the time. Sneezing, coughing, itchy eyes, the works! That really helps, I didn't realize I haven't been able to breathe for the last fifteen years. Breathing is a good thing. Then, last summer, I was stung by a bee and ended up with a whole body reaction that lasted a couple of days, which is what I figured this was until it lasted five days and portions of my body are so thoroughly scratched I'm not sure if they will ever recover. So, hopefully, I can stay unswollen and breathing for the next three weeks so that I can find out what is causing my body to reject it's own skin this time. Isn't life fun? You never know what it is going to throw at you and it usually does so at the most inopportune times. Like any time would be a good time for a horrible allergic reaction, I'm just saying, now is not a good time. Oh well, at least I could stop itching long enough to write this. Maybe that medicine is actually working! I'll let you know if I gnaw off my fingers while I sleep, although I'm not sure how...

I took Eddie to her first soccer practice of the year today. We didn't know where her team was so we just started walking around checking all of the teams. Of course we went the wrong way and asked six different teams before we found ours. Needless to say Ed was not happy with me. I've said many times in the past that I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box. I paid for it again because by the time we got there they had already started practice and Eddie had decided that they all knew each other and she was the one left out. She also informed me that she didn't like the fact that she couldn't be on the same team as last year. The coach came up to her and she ran away crying and hid behind a tree. It took me more than half of the practice to coax her back and get her to participate. She had every excuse in the book. She said didn't know anybody. I told her that no one knew anybody because it was a new team. She told me she had to have her pink soccer ball, so, sucker that I am, went back to the car and got her the pink ball. She still didn't want to go practice. I got her to at least go over to where they were and she came running back saying they wouldn't let her play with her pink ball. I said just go over there, they will let you play with your ball. She said she would go if I came with her. So, I went and not even three seconds after I sat down she came running over yet again and said that she had missed her turn and they were starting over. I told her if she hadn't left the line they wouldn't have skipped her. Finally the coaches must have noticed that she was favoring the pink ball so when it was her turn they made sure she used it. From that drill on she was fine. She did everything they told her to and didn't complain once. She even shared the pink ball with all of the other kids. Gee, I wonder why she thinks she can always get what she wants? I can't imagine where she would have gotten an idea like that. At least she was finally playing and having fun. We'll have to see what happens when they tell her she can't play real games with the pink ball. This should be interesting! Who knows - maybe they will make pink soccer balls regulation before long. Stranger things have happened! Princess Eddie can be very persuasive.

Memorial Day Weekend - Yay!

I am attempting something that under normal circumstances I would never do. I am going to blog under the influence. If it is anything like drunk texting, I'm in a bit of trouble. I'm sure I am going to regret this in the morning but at this moment in time, I don't really care. Hopefully there is some sort of delete button if I wake up with all of my faculties intact and decide I am a complete rambling idiot. Oh, well, here we go! Memorial Day. Oh joy, the great start of summer, the three days when one is supposed to have lots of outdoor fun and enjoy the long weekend with one's family, yeah right. I have never not fought on Memorial Day weekend. Ever. It is a very stress filled time. I always want to go away from home to some place fun. It's the start of the summer after all. I am always stuck at home. Once in a while venturing out for a couple of hours to my parents or, heaven forbid, my in-laws place. Otherwise, we just sit here, at each others throats, with the entire outdoors just steps away. I can't stand sitting inside when it is so gorgeous outside and to get the rest of my family out is like pulling teeth. I don't know why they don't realize that maybe they wouldn't annoy each other quite as much if they weren't cooped up all of the time. For some reason, even though I am the one who prepares everything any time we go away from the house it is always such a big deal. I could see if they had to do a big chunk of the packing or clean up after we get home, but they don't. All they have to do is ride along. Sounds like a no brainer to me. It's like having your own personal servant. You just say, "Oh, I would like to go to the south of France this weekend" and all of a sudden your bags are packed and you are there. If anyone knows where I can find one of those personal servants for myself could you let me know 'cause I would actually appreciate someone like that. Anyway, you would think that not having to lift a finger and then get to go on an outing would be a plus - not in my family. They will take any opportunity to complain. Just tonight Gus was saying that he doesn't get to do anything. Last night he went to a sleep over where they went clay shooting and then this morning he went miniature golfing and then this afternoon I took him and his brothers and sisters over to the dog park and let them play with all of the dogs for hours. Oh my goodness, he is so badly neglected. I don't know what to do with the lot of them. They are never happy. They are so convinced that they are the only children on the planet who are asked to do chores or somehow earn they're keep. My children flat out refuse most of the time. How that is possible I will never know. I can honestly say that had I ignored my parents the way my kids ignore me, I wouldn't be around to share this with you today. A big part of it is there are so many of them and so few of me. Another part is they know when I get busy, I can't enforce the rules. If there were another person to help enforce said rules, it might be a little better - but I digress. We're are going back into the world of day dreams again where parents work as a team and the children mind their ma and pa. Just think in a couple of weeks I get them all 24/7 for a whole three months. What fun! I can't wait! Hopefully my sarcasm is not lost in this context. I will try to have as much fun as possible, but I swear, they enjoy torturing each other. They are downstairs right now yelling about some such thing. I don't know how much longer I am going to last. I think I am just going to keep chugging along until I can't chug anymore. No, that was not a drinking reference, but it may as well be. If I am driven to drink then is it really a problem , or is it a solution? I guess that will be a question for the future generations to answer. Right now, it is a salvation. Salud!

Fear of Needles?

My lack of memory for traumatic events bit me in the ass again today. Lex had his oral surgery. Talk about an interesting experience. That is putting it mildly. He seemed okay with the entire thing. He never once said he was scared or didn't want to go. I told him in the morning that he needed to wear a short sleeve shirt and he immediately asked me if they were going to have to use a needle. I never would have made that connection, but I'm a little slow. I told him yes. They were going to have to give him medicine through his arm and he said okay. We went to the office, filled out our paperwork, and went back into the room all without incident. The doctor came in and talked to us. He said he thought we should go ahead and pull the tooth. Still no reaction. They got everything ready and the doctor told Lex "I'm going to put this numbing spray on". The second the spray hit his skin he was screaming. It was all down hill from there. The doctor tried to convince him it wouldn't be so bad if he would just sit still. I kept trying to distract him by talking about other things. Every time the guy came near him he started saying "ow ow ow" before anyone even touched him. They let him take a break and put some numbing creme on his arm which takes fifteen minutes to kick in. They also gave him the medication to calm you down, which also takes a while to work. They waited and tried it again. He was fine until they went to put the needle in. He just wouldn't stop jumping. I was holding him down and telling him if he would just stay still it wouldn't hurt. The doctor was getting a little exasperated. We all knew if he would just stop for thirty seconds he wouldn't have to be so upset. They had to stop again. This time I turned the lights down and told him to go to sleep. They put the numbing creme on his other arm and left for another fifteen minutes. This time he actually fell asleep and when the doctor came back he only had to try about three times before he got it in. They sent me out of the room to pull the tooth and less than five minutes later they called me back in. It took him another 35 minutes to wake up after the anesthesia. At least it was finally over. The last hour I was there my phone was pretty much vibrating non-stop. I told the kids I wouldn't be home and they needed to tell their dad if they needed anything. I guess he wasn't around or listening or something 'cause they just kept calling. I tried calling during the five minutes I had and they had some stupid argument going on about a video game or something. When the technician told me to come back Eddie was on the line saying she wanted ice cream or something. When will I learn my lesson? I finally got home around 5:30 and Lex was running around like nothing happened. I actually had to tell him to slow down because I was afraid he was going to fall over from the medication. It's amazing what your mind can do and what it can keep you from doing if you let it. Lex certainly didn't mean to be such a pain in the ass. He truly couldn't help it. Once it was over he was back to his old self. He is ready to take on the world as long as it doesn't involve anyone putting any needles in his arm!

Procrastination...

I am sitting at the car repair place. I waited way too long for my oil change. There are a lot of things above car maintenance on my list of things to do like get a root canal or bee sting to the eye. I only go when it is absolutely necessary. I don't like waiting around for it and it usually doesn't take enough time to actually go home and possibly get something done. I guess I could go for a walk, but that would be way too ambitious. Plus I have princess with me and she isn't a walker. I know, it is shocking. A man stopped me at preschool about three weeks ago and told me I should have my tire checked. He thought there was a nut rolling around in the wheel well or maybe something more serious. Anyway, since then I have heard that noise every time I drive. You would think I would have taken it in then because I needed an oil change at that time too, for some reason things like that just don't go away on their own, but I didn't. Hopefully it isn't anything too serious. If I can get out of here at a decent time this will be the first day all week that I haven't had to run all day. We'll have to see if I take advantage of the time. Oh, who am I kidding? I won't! My time management skills rank up there with my five year old, or a monkey with ADHD, or something equally spastic. I don't get a whole lot done and the fact that I am worrying about not getting anything done might have something to do with why I'm not getting it done. I need to be happy with what I accomplish and stop worrying about what is left unfinished. Easier said than done, I know. It is hard to achieve anything when you are the poster child for procrastination. I can't for the life of me figure out why, I guess I'll just have to work on that later.

Summer at the Park?

Eddie graduated from preschool today! I had a very small tinge of sadness but then I came to my senses and did a little happy dance. Even though I love her dearly, it is much easier to enjoy her when she is not under my feet 24/7. I know it is hard to believe but she can be slightly high maintenance. Who knew? Next stop - kindergarten. She is more than ready and so am I! Now, if I can just get through the summer. We have a bunch of plans with summer schools and overnight camps, and sports. Hopefully they will be better occupied and not at each others throats like they were this winter. Seven people in such close proximity for months at a time can really wear on ones nerves as I'm sure you can tell. I am going to try to keep a positive attitude for at least the first few hours into our summer vacation.

I found the coolest place today. I knew there was a dog park in the area so I decided to look for it. I don't know what I was expecting but certainly not what I found. It is way back in the woods with trees everywhere and there are fenced in runs for the dogs. I didn't have my dog along, but I did have a couple of my kids and we found trails that went on for what seemed like forever though the woods. The boys had a blast running ahead of me and picking which way we should go. The trail followed a creek with waterfalls and fallen trees, and sunlight peeking through the branches. I wished I had grabbed my camera out of the car. The whole experience reminded me of when I was a kid and we used to go up north and my dad would just let us run around in the woods. He would walk around planting trees and trimming brush. My sisters and I would walk down by the creek. They would tell me stories about how there was quicksand on the creek bed and a long time ago whole teams of horses disappeared into them. I used to cry myself to sleep because I felt so bad for the poor horses. I was a pretty gullible back then. Okay, you caught me, I still am. I have a feeling it's a good thing I have a selective memory or I might be a little messed up in the whole trust department. Which I obviously am not, am I? I can't be sure since I don't let anyone do anything unless I know they are going to do it right, but that doesn't mean anything does it? Anyway, I can't wait to bring Langy to the park. The kids were fun, but people looked at me a little funny when I let them off leash.

You Promised What?!?

Someone needs to explain to my kids that if they don't spend all of my money now, there may be a few bucks left for them to party with after I'm dead and gone. The way it is going I will be bankrupt before that happens. Lex has always had issues with his face. He was born with a tumor in his cheek. He has had a few reconstructive surgeries to repair the spot where it was removed so I can understand that he would be a little leery of people touching his face and mouth. He would never let anyone near his teeth. I would try brushing them and he would scream and cry and clench his jaw so tight there was no way anything was getting in. Just for good measure somewhere along the way he was given an antibiotic that turned his front two teeth brown. When he went to the dentist for the first time he already needed quite a bit of work. His first visit didn't go very well. He went back to the dentist chair by himself. Maybe they thought I was going to be hysterical or something. I could hear him complaining and then I heard the doctor telling him to settle down. The next thing I knew, out came little Lex with a referral to a pediatric dentist because he had kicked ours in the head. We waited a year and brought him back. After a little laughing gas and a lot of Novocaine they were finally able to work on him. He had a lot of cavities and his two front teeth were pretty bad. Over the past few years he has had countless fillings, vials of Novocaine, and a few tanks of NO2. He has since lost his very pricey front teeth not even two years after having them fixed. Which brings us to today. We have had numerous talks about tooth care and he has promised over and over again to take care of them. He seems very believable but I don't hold out much hope at his appointments. There is always something very expensive wrong with his teeth. Today I left him at the dentist with his sister while I carted the other kids around. Half an hour later I looked at my phone and saw that I had three missed calls. They were all from Gwen. I called her back and she said the dentist needed to talk to me right away. I sat on the phone for five minutes while the doctor was finishing up, I guess he didn't mean right away after all. When I finally talked to him he said Lex was going to have to see an oral surgeon so they can either pull or try to do a root canal on one of his permanent teeth. He has only had that particular tooth for two years. He definitely has the Swoboda tooth gene. We have very good genes, for the most part, but that one and the gigantic ass gene would be a couple I would be happy to do without. I didn't even ask what in the heck dental surgery was going to cost. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. I'm glad I didn't have to make the same promise I made when I wanted to get a dog before I had children. I had to promise that if he began to cost more than he was worth, I wouldn't keep shelling out the cash. Don't worry Langy, I had my fingers crossed! Yet another reason my kids should be happy I'm around because who knows when their father would have decided they had crossed that line. I think they'd be goners by now. Anyway, I'm thinking dental insurance is looking more and more appealing. Oh well, live, learn and then just sign the damn check.

Picnic Lunch

We went to the park today. The mother's in Eddie's preschool class decided to have an end of the year picnic because this is the second to last day of school. I, being a glutton for punishment said we would go. Eddie has all of 45 minutes from when she leaves one school until she needs to be at the bus stop for the next. Usually we go home, wolf down some lunch, and run out the door to catch the bus. For some reason I thought, why not go even further away from school and let her play at a park? I'm sure a five year old will know that her mother is serious when she says it is time to leave for school. She will come running and say, "Yes mother, I mustn't be late for my lessons"! That is almost what happened. We arrived at the park and all of her little friends were sitting eating their lunches. I had brought pizza and chips for her and about five seconds after they were out of the bag the gale force winds hit. Off went her food. It was flying across the playground while Eddie was running in the opposite direction screaming that it wasn't fair her lunch just flew away. She also said something about how it was in no way funny. I agreed it wasn't fair, but I did not agree that it wasn't funny. I thought it was freaking hilarious. I, dog under my arm, set off across the park to retrieve her chips and found a little boy carrying the bag. I thanked him for saving her food and brought it back to her. I said "Eddie, look that little boy saved your chips!" When she opened the bag it was filled with wood chips. She was more than slightly upset that I had "lied" to her. How was I supposed to know that the kid was packin' wood chips? All of her friends offered her their food and she refused complaining that she wanted her pizza and chips. Eventually she accepted a piece of string cheese and went off to play. I sat there for twenty minutes holding on to what was left of her lunch. It was getting close to time to go, so I put the dog and the wood chip chips in the car and went back to get Ed. Let me assure you before we went to the park I had gotten a promise that when it was time to go she would do so without argument. She lied. I told her we were leaving and she said "no" and ran off. I went after her. This time she said she wanted to show her friends a trick so I say "OK" and she disappeared again. I caught her and picked her up. As we were passing the monkey bars she said she just had to try them. This time I let her but I didn't let go of her. I had to carry her to the car so as not to lose track of her again. We finally got there and she says, "Where are we going"? Holy crap! That girl is so blond it isn't even funny. I told her we were going to school and she said "Oh yeah, I forgot". So I drove to school and as we were walking in I stopped to talk to one of the other moms. We were a few minutes late to class which, of course, became my fault because I'm the one who had to stop and talk to someone instead of taking her straight in. The drama never ends but neither does the excitement. She definitely keeps me on my toes. Now if I could just stop stepping on hers!

It Could Be Worse

What is it with five year olds and water? Eddie has a fascination with running water. Every time I walk into a bathroom there is either a sink full of bubbles or a vanity covered in water or better yet, after a exceptionally vigorous session with the faucet, I will unknowingly step in a big puddle of water. That is always a treat. Every time I hear the water running for more than the time it takes to wash two very small hands I need to investigate. When I can catch her in the act it's not so bad because I can make sure she doesn't flood the entire west side! That is when I actually hear the water. Many, many times I don't hear it and I find the soaking wet remnants of her crime all over the room. And heaven forbid she actually admits it was her doing. She will swear up and down that she had nothing to do with the foot of water on the floor even though she is the only one home and is wet up to her elbows and knees. She has also learned the fine art of turning on the hose outside. This one has got to stop because although she has mastered the "on" she has yet to figure out the "off". I can be right there when she does it and I watch as she struggles to turn it back off again it's like she just can't bear to do it. She must leave the water running for some unknown entity which non of us can comprehend. Maybe she feels she needs to set it free or something. Or maybe she just likes to play in it because you've got to admit, if you were ever allowed such a luxury as a child, that is pretty darned fun. Especially if you add bubbles to the mix. I wouldn't wish my water bill on my worst enemy, okay, maybe one or two of them, but they could afford it. Aside from the wasting of a little water and the unnecessary expense that we won't dwell on, at least it is a clean past time. It could be worse. She could be fascinated with mud! Hopefully she doesn't put two and two together anytime soon.

What's in Your Head?

I read on a friend's post if you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they are meant to be there. I think they are just not trying hard enough. Push them the hell out. So much time is spent dreaming about the things that could have been. Let's try dealing with the things that are. So, life sucks and there's nothing you can do about it. Move on. If it weren't possible to repress memories and move forward most of society would be bonkers. It may not be the best situation, but what is? You need to live life by the moment. Nobody wants to think about it, but it could be over in a heartbeat. Ideally happiness is the goal, but wallowing in self pity doesn't help anybody. Improving your lot in life day by day is a noble goal and it is as much as I can handle most days. When there is so much that you are up against baby steps are going to have to be enough. Huge sweeping changes are just going to have to wait until I have time for them. Between the children's outbursts and the other outbursts I have to deal with on a daily basis I don't have time for hopes and dreams. No matter how much I whine about happiness and life being too short to not follow your heart. It's all a bunch of crap. Sometimes it's just too hard to deal. I think it will be a better use of my time to devote my energy to keeping my kids from losing any more of themselves in the massive flux of my sanity as it ebbs and flows like the tide rolling out to sea. Eventually I will be able to straighten out my life and hopefully have some time to see what's still rattling around in my head. But for now it's all filed under "future hopes and dreams - to be opened when sanity and cooler heads prevail". Piece by piece and day by day eventually I'll be okay. Wow, that really sounds like something a crazy person would say. Maybe I don't want to know what's up there after all.

Rehersal

I have been proven wrong. Not like it is the first time or anything. I am quite often wrong and freely admit it. I was very surprised when I needed help tonight bringing the kids to their recital and actually got it. I had their costumes in my car and I was going to get them ready at the rehearsal. I just needed them dropped off. No brainer, right? Well, this time it actually was. I went out with a friend of mine for dinner and drinks. We have been trying to get together for a couple of months. I had two hours between getting the kids ready for their rehearsal and when they had to be at it. This was the only night for a very long time that our schedules lined up. We had to figure out where to go because we live in different cities. Thankfully she came up here which helped a lot. The point is we finally were able to be in the same place at the same time. Not a simple task when you have seven kids between the two of you. We spent the time talking about what has been going on in each other lives lately. We probably could have used an extra couple of days, but I'm not going to get greedy! After a quick dip in the jacuzzi of real adult conversation I was thrown back into the deep end of the freezing cold pool surrounded by children dressed in their fancy dance costumes and elaborate makeup. They were running up and down the hallways with their unbelievably loud little tap shoes tap tap tapping on the tile floor. I don't know if anyone has any idea what happens when a child runs with taps shoes on hard surfaces but as I'm sure you can guess it is not a pretty sight. There were many more tears and less mascara as the night wore on. The kids were adorable. It is fun to watch them do something that as a child I would have been terrified to do. My parents would have had me so worked up I would have probably cried through the whole thing. My kids just walk out there and dance like it is no big deal. I'm hoping the experience will end up being a positive one. I couldn't believe the number of dads who were at the rehearsal. They were not just sitting there either. They were helping to hang clothes and dress kids like they were actually enjoying themselves. Imagine that! I guess some families really do work well together. Maybe I have some whacked out ideals and don't have any idea what I'm talking about, but I doubt it. I can't make decisions for other people and if instead of watching their children perform something they have worked on for almost a year they choose to sit in a car and sleep then that would be their choice. Granted the recital is tomorrow, but the rehearsal is fun too. Memories are what you make them. It would be nice to be a perfect family without problems but I'm pretty sure that's an oxymoron. No one knows what goes on in anyone else's life unless they choose to share it. Many families have issues that aren't immediately apparent from an outside perspective. We all have skeletons and secrets in our closets. Do you clean them out or do you keep piling them one on top of another until your closet bursts at the seams? Problems and conflict are a part of life it's how you deal with them that matters. I need to do some spring cleaning. There are so many frickin' bones in my closet it's gonna take me forever to clear them all out. Look out below!!!

Good Dogie!

Why do I have a dog? I have a dog because of the glorious fact that he won't judge me. All I have to do is show him some love and he is my friend for life. Dogs ask for so little and reward so big. They never look at you with contempt or disappointment. They never sass back and say "I hate you, your the worst owner ever!" They never want more from you than you give to them. They'll keep you warm when your cold and cheer you up when your sad. They'll make the worst day tolerable not for any other reason than they love you. They don't need you to reassure them they are the best dogie on the block. You don't have to inflate their little dogie egos so as not to embarrass them in front of their dogie friends. They aren't insecure and in need of reassurance 24/7. They just want you to love them for who they are and they will do the same. I could start saying "Who's a dip shit? Are you a dip shit? You're my little my dip shit? In the most friendly voice possible and they will jump up and lick you all over as if saying "Yeah, I'm a dip shit. I'm a dip shit. My owner loves me 'cause I'm a dip shit"! I can be in the worlds worst mood and all I need is for my dog to look up at me with those big brown eyes and I smile. Yesterday Langston and I were in the back yard. He was running around and all of a sudden I felt something poking me in the leg, I looked down and there was my little dog carrying a stick at least three feet long and an inch and a half wide. He didn't have any idea how stupid he looked carrying that giant stick, he just wanted me to stop what I was doing and throw it for him...so I did. Talk about a good investment, for the amount of love and devotion dogs bring to our lives, we got a great deal. I'm wondering...maybe this would be a good time to average down...? Just kidding, one's enough...for now...!

Clone Wars

I know this will not come as surprise to anyone but I'm surrounded by mini chips. I have these moments of realization in my daily life that make me stop and say "damn, how stupid am I"? I was working my ass off mowing the lawn, pruning and doing various outside chores. I needed to go in to get dinner started for the kids because I was going to be running all night for sports. As I entered the house I looked to my left and there, in the family room, each on their own chair or couch were Gus, Chip and Gwen. They were all sitting exactly the same way. Slouched way down in their seats staring at the TV. I swear it looked like Chip had cloned himself twice. None of them paid any attention to the fact that I have been outside for the last hour trying to get some work done so the neighbors don't think we are total slobs even though we so obviously are. I can't even believe that I didn't see it before. Yeah, sure, I've always known that they look similar. They have a lot of the same features and they definitely act a lot alike, but at that moment in time they were him. The causes of my aching head were lying there like three bumps on a log. Just imagine if bump number one actually showed bumps two and three that it is possible to get up and do something productive to help clean up and improve the log. Instead bump one just tells two and three what they should be doing and then proceeds to ignore the fact that sitting on the couch watching TV neither cleans nor improves the log in any way shape or form. Somethings got to give. Either the bumps have to become little worker ants, or I'm gonna have to pound the bumps out of my log. Since the latter would probably get me some jail time, I'm hoping for the former. Ants are exactly what I need. We all have to pull together like an ant colony and work together to get some stuff done. Until that happens, we will live in squalor and I will feel resentful. My new goal is to work on smoothing my log. We'll have to see how that goes 'cause it is pretty damn bumpy.

Appointment? What Appointment?

I was lounging around this morning thinking about what I was going to put off doing today when Lex asked me, "Where are my shoes?" Which is a question he asks me every day, and that question turns into a half hour long search for something that if he would just put his shoes in the same place every time he takes them off wouldn't have to happen at all. Anyway, this everyday occurrence somehow reminded me that Gus had a doctor's appointment at 9:30. It was 8:10 and I was still in my pj's. I hadn't attempted to get ready at all. I hadn't sent a note to let school know I was taking Gus out. Eddie was still sleeping up in my room and is hard enough to get up and ready even on a normal day. I proceeded to call the school and get Gus excused. For some reason they don't like you just showing up. Then I got a call from Eddie's school saying I owed two months tuition which is very unusual for me but not surprising the way things have been going lately. After promising to pay as soon as possible I went to go wake Eddie up and get her dressed. I pulled the blankets off of her and she rolled over and grabbed a different blanket. I took that blanket and she covered up with a pillow. The girl did not want to get up this morning. Finally she wakes up and I have to physically get her dressed because she's going nowhere fast. I brush our hair and run out the door at 8:45. Damn, I forgot to put the dog in his cage. Hopefully he doesn't make too much of a mess - yeah right! I went to school and sat there waiting for Gus to come out because I guess calling ahead is obviously not a guarantee that your child will actually be waiting for you when you get there. That would be way too convenient. We went to leave and Eddie decides that this is the perfect opportunity to figure out how the handicapped door works. She keeps opening it and letting it close. I, having seen this trick before kept on walking, but Gus decides that she needs to come immediately and starts to persuade her as such. I told him to just let her do it. We reached the car and along comes Eddie happy as a lark because she got her way. This is an example of a battle not worth fighting. I then drove Eddie to school. She is a good fifteen minutes late which is only about five minutes later than she usual. I park my car and tell Gus and Eddie to start in without me. As I get out of the car a man says I need to move because they are going to fix the drain in the parking lot. I have to park a block away and walk into school. By then, surprise surprise, Gus was on his way back out. We climbed back into the car and drove to the doctor where I am now waiting. Why did I feel the need to share all of this? Good question. I just think life is stressful enough without having to worry about what other people think. Yeah, this could have turned out to be one of the worst days I've ever had, or I could take it all in stride and realize that it is not the end of the world. So I may show up without any make-up and my shoes might not match my outfit, but at least I made it. People may look at me and think, "Wow, that woman with five kids must be crazy". I choose to look at myself and say "Hey, for a woman with five kids, I'm still pretty sane ... so far"!

Are You Ready Yet?

Whomever said women take too long to get ready to go out have obviously never met me or my husband. Holy crap. I throw on some clean clothes, brush my hair, make-up?...what's that? Usually, I have to get five children ready - meaning - clothed, semi-clean and presentable, and hopefully with their shoes on although that point is often negotiable. Then I sit. I wait and wait sometimes for fifteen to twenty minutes in the car. I used to wait in the house but there would inevitably be some huffing which would turn into, a "What's wrong"..."Nothing"..."Are you sure?""huff"... you know the drill. So I began waiting in the car. I don't know - nor do I care - what the hell he does in that time. I do, however know that whatever he is doing could be accomplished in many fewer minutes. It's not like he has to make sure his shoes match his purse, or get his eye liner on straight for goodness sake. Shower, dress, out the door, right? And heaven forbid I am the one whose not ready first. He wouldn't let that go for a million dollars. Well, I'm ready aren't you? Believe me that doesn't happen very often! I guess I should just be happy I actually get out of my house once in awhile no matter what the circumstance.

Mother's Day Mayhem

It's almost Mother's Day. I'm not sure what that means anymore. You would think that it would be a day to honor your mother and show her how much you appreciate what she does for you - but it's not. Somehow it has become another one of those holidays that I tend to approach with caution. It's all about who is going to show up and what are they going to bring and why did you bring me this when you should have known that I wanted that? That's not even taking into consideration that I, myself, am a mother and I get to run around all day like a chicken with my head cut off trying to please the unpleasable. Is it called Mother-In-Law's Day? No, it is not. I'm all for the obligatory flowers and the card sent from far, far away, but when did it become a day you have to spend with your extended, extended family? Once you have your own kids shouldn't you be able to decide what Mother's Day should mean for you? If you enjoy running from house to house then by all means do it, but I do not enjoy the running and believe I should have the option not to. A nice day at home with my kids without fighting - now that would be a wonderful gift. A little breakfast in bed, a few extra chores done without the scream factor, that would be perfect. All any mom ever wants for their children is for them to be happy. I don't think behaving for one day a year is all that much to ask. A little pampering wouldn't hurt, but there I go slipping into my little dream world again. I suppose I could lead by example and make sure the children do something special for Father's Day, but where would be the fun in that? Maybe it is a yin-yang thing. Karma can be a bitch. Anyway, every year I hold out hope for a nice, relaxing, stress-free day and every year I get the rude awakening that my fantasy of a perfect family is so very far from reality it isn't even funny. I should just thank my lucky stars that we are not on Dr. Phil or something. Who knows the way things have been going lately that might be our next stop.

Soccer Season

Last night I had my first of many soccer nights. Over the next couple of weeks the kids will get their soccer schedules and find out who their coaches are and what fields they are going to play at. Luckily, Gwen declined to play this year or I would have two traveling kids which I could not handle. As it is, I have one traveling and two at two different parks the whole season and then Gus is in baseball. I was such an optimist when I said I ccould handle the kids by myself. I forgot about soccer season. Last night we missed dance class because Max had his first soccer practice and he was really excited. I made him promise that he would go next week because it is his last practice before the recital. At least dance will be over soon. I don't know why all of this stuff is always such a surprise. Every year we do the same things and every year I am completely unprepared when the time comes. I am always thinking I have all of the time in the world. We were discussing the schedules last night and here is what was decided. Chip gets to go to all of Max's games and I get the rest. I guess I should be happy he is taking anyone, right? I could be stuck with the disappointing stares of four kids instead of just three. I should stop complaining, this is how it has always been. I really don't mind driving them around otherwise I wouldn't have signed them all up. I actually get them to most of their games - on time even! It is just hard when you count on help and you can't get it no matter how much you need it. Maybe I'm the subject of some really cruel experiment where I'm being subjected to total insensitivity to my daily wants and needs just to see how long it will take me to crack. At least if that were the case, I would have an endpoint to look toward, but alas, I do not. The worst part is I am probably looking for something that doesn't even exist - so what is the point? According to the powers that be, I am just being too picky and sensitive. My biggest mistake was letting things go so far that they seem completely irreversible. Oh well, at least I will be too busy to care much over the next couple of months. That doesn't give me much solace. Yay, me!

No Thank You, Ma'am

Here is an example of how the simplest acts of kindness can make a persons day. This is going to sound so very silly but I hate being called Ma'am. I absolutely hate it. I don't know when I became a Ma'am, but the first time someone called me that I died a little inside. I thought, oh well, it's all downhill from here. And that was quite a long time ago. I realize people are just trying to be respectful and it is a very appropriate word to use when referring to someone of my age but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I also don't like to be called Miss anymore, I used to like it but there came a point when it started to sound condescending. Like they were trying to spare my feelings by calling me Miss when I was so obviously a Ma'am. It is like saying something is really cute when it is clearly the ugliest of the bunch, your trying to be kind, but it just makes it more obvious. I may be totally off on this one, but Starbucks has a new customer in me for one of the most bizarre reasons ever. It has nothing to do with their coffee or the cleanliness of their stores, or the speed of their service. I go back to that particular Starbucks because the drive through guy calls me Hon. I love it. Maybe I was a southerner in a past life. I think it is a wonderful substitute for the elderly Ma'am and the condescending Miss. I guess not everyone could pull off a Hon but I wish more people would try. I am in a good mood in the rain - that is a big accomplishment for me and it all started with a "have a good day now, Hon"!

Can You Say OCD?

I'm trying to paint a portrait of my mom's dog Holly. I realize I don't know how to paint but I thought, how hard could it be, right? Wrong. The farther I get, the more wrong it is. I should have just left it as a blank canvas and told her to paint her own dog. My mom can paint, I, sadly, cannot. I guess it would have helped had I ever taken a class in oil painting in my life. I am just going by what I saw my mom do when I was a kid. I guess I should have paid closer attention. The worst part is the damn thing is calling to me as we speak. I can't stop thinking about it. I am convinced that I can do it if I just keep at it. I get like that. If I start something I have to finish it. I have the world's worst addictive personality. Not a whole lot of the behaviors stick, but when I'm into them I have to do them all the time. Like this entry, now that I've started it, I have to finish it even though that means that I will be thinking about the stupid picture the entire time. What the hell, no wonder I can't get anything done. It takes me so damn long and I have to be so obsessed with everything. I can't stop thinking about them until they are done and they are never done so I must be thinking about a million things at any given time. Whatever, I need to take some kind of art class. But like everything else, I am afraid that I have no talent and they will laugh me right out the door. Why would they do that? They get their money, they are not going to laugh at someone just because they have no talent. And I might just have some talent, so why can't I just go and find out? Because I am so afraid to fail at anything, that's why. It is the same with everything else, if you fail to try, then you don't know what you could have been able to do. Not trying something because you are afraid to fail is the story of my life. I have been so afraid that people are going to laugh at me or worse yet tell me I suck at something I thought I was good at. I feel the need for everyone to like me and what I do, but that is such as unrealistic goal. If I don't try to impress anyone then I haven't failed, right? I think I need to stop trying to please everyone and worry about pleasing myself. How do I expect to be a productive person when I can't see past the here and now? I need to look forward to the future and see what I want to be doing whether or not it is what other people want for me and whether or not it is something that I think other people would like. I need to do something for me and enjoy doing it and then maybe the rest will all fall into place. If it doesn't at least I had fun trying. I've got to go look at the stupid painting again and see what I can do to fix it. OCD? What's that? I'm not obsessed at all. I can control it anytime I want. Yeah right! Gotta go!

Trophy Wife

Maybe I should become a trophy wife... stop laughing...are you done? I'm just saying it's not a bad gig. Although at my age in order to be one I would probably have to marry someone who is well over eighty! But look at it this way, at least I wouldn't have to put up with him for more than twenty years or so. Better yet, I'll find one who's ready to kick the bucket! If you think about all of the horrible jobs out there and the amount of work involved it would be a cake walk. If you could shove aside the whole morality issue, that is. Why is extravagant amounts of money so important to people? It seems to me that it sometimes causes more trouble than anything else. People get a taste of the good life, and they will do anything to keep it. I guess that's why we have morals, otherwise we lose sight of what is important, the goodness and kindness in people. I could care less what someone does for a living. Or what they do in private, for that matter, as long as they are decent on the inside. It is pretty easy to tell the good people from the not so good people. The good people are not the ones running around trying to make their good deeds known. They are the ones who on a day to day basis make good decisions trying not only to improve on their lives, but on the lives of others as well. Good people are all around you if you take the time to look. They maybe at the the store, or at a restaurant , or even the janitor at your hotel. They are less often found at the country club or the fancy fundraising fetes. Money makes the world go round, but at what cost? I can tell you this, if I were a trophy wife I would make darned sure to pass a little of my good fortune on to some of those women working their asses off for a whole lot less than they deserve and hope that by doing so I would give her the chance to feel that there are still a few good people out there and you can find them if you just take some time to look.

Divide and Conquer

A girl could get used to this! I think I have been going about all of this the wrong way. I need to divide and conquer. The kids are so much easier to handle when they are not all together. I always feel like I have to be at everything they are doing along with everyone else. Why? I spend so much time with them, I think it may be too much time. They expect me to be everywhere and I just can't be and it stresses me out. It would be better for me to go to some of their things and be in a good mood than to be at all of their things, but in a bad mood. Not everyone needs to be at every event. Take this weekend for example. Gus' baseball season snuck up on me. We had all planned on going to Stevens Point for the dance competition together but on Friday morning, yes, the day we were supposed to leave, I went to check to see if he had any practices while we were going to be gone and low and behold his first game was that very night. I have never claimed to be an organized person, but this was a major oversight even for me. I had two rooms reserved and had started packing. I hurried to cancel the second room. Luckily, it was an idiot approved hotel and they didn't charge me. I was quite upset at first, because of my stupidity, mostly, but the more I thought about it, I started to get excited. I was looking forward to a weekend without all of the family. This trip is stressful enough without having to worry about everyone. So, other than my bad planning skills, it all worked out for the best. If Chip is willing to take on a little more responsibility and I am willing to take on less, it may just be kind of pleasant, I say as I'm relaxing at the pool. I reserve the right to change my mind at any time and probably will as soon as the kids start bugging me for something or if that kid across the pool doesn't stop that ear piercing scream. I have a very low screaming and, for that matter, whining tolerance. I can't stand either. I don't know if my kids don't do it because I discouraged it or if they just aren't that annoying, but Eddie is falling into the perpetual whining trap. Practically every time she asks for something it is in a whine. I ask her to stop and she says she isn't whining she's just talking. That is a ridiculous argument to have with a five year old because they have whine resistant ears. To them it does sound like they are talking normally - they are not - but I digress. Well, I guess the lesson learned for today is to not feel so guilty when I can't make it to everything my children are involved in and to not make family participation mandatory. Family togetherness is wonderful-to a point. I'm beginning to believe that there is a fine line between loving to spend time with your family or hating that time. Hopefully I can find that line and stop crossing it.

adult swim

I'm sitting in a hotel in Stevens Point trying to keep Max from watching adult swim. He doesn't even know why he isn't supposed to watch it but he's mad that I won't let him. I swear he just gets upset because he can. He has no idea what he's missing but the fact that I say no makes it that much more appealing. He is sitting in the other bed grunting. They have to be up at 6 am so we can be to the competition by 7:30. I said if they go to bed on time tonight, they can do what ever they want tomorrow. I think that was a mistake. They will probably stay up late tonight and then tomorrow too. Whatever, as long as I get to sleep on time. They should be OK, at least in the morning then I will pay for it in the afternoon. I am just happy to be out of the house! I can't believe I am at a hotel with just two of the kids, this is like a real vacation. We had a very nice drive over here and we had a wonderful dinner - besides the fact that they both ordered something they didn't like. I'm not used to the quiet, but I do like it! They didn't even beg to go swimming because we are going to be here until Sunday. Eddie actually said she would rather have a bath tonight and swim tomorrow. Where are my kids? Someone must have come and replaced them with cheap rule following replicas! This is proof positive that they have the potential to be really good when they want to be. Eddie has finally fallen asleep and I told Max he could watch whatever he wanted and he is watching the show I had put on for him - I don't know for how long. Okay, not very long, he just changed it. I usually give them the benefit of the doubt even when I'm pretty sure they don't deserve it! At least he didn't throw a fit. A few grunts are acceptable as long as that's as far as it goes. We'll have to see what happens tomorrow, I mentioned to Max that maybe we should do something fun, like sightseeing, while we are here. My kids don't even know what that is. The few places we ever go we drive straight there, hang out in the room or go directly to where we came to go and then promptly head home. We have a full day and a half, if we so choose, to just bum around! I'm so excited. We probably won't do anything, but at least we have the option to. That wasn't so bad, a few minutes after he changed the channel he was sleeping. I know if I hadn't let him change it he would still be huffing every few minutes just to let me know he is not happy. Yay! They are both sleeping at a reasonable time and hopefully will be well rested for tomorrow. Now for me, I also have a habit of staying up way too late. This adult swim is pretty funny...