Uneventful Life

I should be very excited because I am actually going out tonight, but I don't really care. I am not happy. Why can't I just get a goal in my sights and work towards it? I have a very hard time getting going and then keeping that momentum for more than a few days at a time. I mean just a few days ago, I was all gung-ho about moving forward and today, I feel like a lump of mud. I just want to sit here and ooze. I guess I should just tell myself this too shall past and I'm sure it will, but when do I get to have a time where I don't need something to pass? When can I actually, truly be happy for more than a day or two at a time? I sound like a basket case. I should have taken a course in life management while I was in school, cause my parents didn't prepare me for any of this. I didn't think it was going to be this hard. Isn't life supposed to be interesting and fun not boring and non eventful? I guess this is something I need to do myself, but I have tried. I have gone out and met new people and tried new things. I have completely changed my routines and aspirations and I'm still miserable. WTF?!? This time it is all me too, no one is sitting here yelling at me or telling me I didn't do something right, or complaining that I'm not fair. This is just me going through the motions of my meaningless life. I can't even get excited for things I really want to do. I feel I am a burden on everyone I know. Everyone is so busy, why aren't I? If I were, I wouldn't have hours and hours to sit and wonder why I'm just sitting here.

Sad

It takes so very little to make me happy, but it also takes so very little to make me sad. I can be completely satisfied with kind gesture or word and completely derailed with negative behavior or a flippant remark. I cling to any kindness I can find because it reminds me of what I want for myself and I repel any rudeness because it's what I fear I will become. I am so very sad. Not for any logical reason, just because. I am sad that I have such a long journey, I am sad because I don't think I am strong enough anymore, I am also sad because I am so very alone. All of these things are, I'm sure, in my messed up head, but at this moment in time it is how I feel. I cannot imagine being able to crawl out of the hole I have created. I want to with all my heart, I want to believe that I can do it, but right now I'm thinking no, that's not gonna happen. Writing down my feelings is good and bad for me. Good because I always feel better when I'm finished but bad because I never know if I'm telling myself the truth or if I am elaborating the truth just to make it sound better. I say I can do something but am I actually lying to myself and never believed I could do it in the first place? It's pointless to try to figure it out now. I will say that I'm glad I reached out even though I'm so sad now. You never know what you have in common with someone unless you ask. It was a good lesson for me to learn. Nothing lasts forever and I feel like an idiot for even caring, but it is what it is, right? I'll just have to write more often and think less. Thinking is over rated anyway. Who needs to think in order to be happy? Mindless droning, that's where all of the happiness lies. Speaking without getting any reaction and laughing all alone. Oh well, it was a good run!

Art is a Passion

Art is a passion. It is something people are born with and can't get out of their blood. A non artistic person can never understand why it is so important to have a creative outlet like drawing or painting or sculpture. Just like I will never understand why some people enjoy arguing about every minuscule thing said at the dinner table or have to assign a number value to everything to make it relevant in some way. If I hear someone talking about numbers I tune them out. When the kids ask for help with their math homework I have to read it about fifteen times before I can even comprehend what they are asking. But if someone is talking about colors or opinions on a certain art subject, my ears perk up. I love to hang out and enjoy the wonders around us and see how it has changed from the last time I was there. My garden for instance. It is such a pleasure to walk around it every day and see how things have grown or what is now blooming that wasn't there before. My parents would walk out in their garden every day after work. My dad was interested in all of the new things that most people never even notice. I didn't understand what they were so excited about back then, but I get it now. There is so much to see and enjoy around you if you just take the time to stop and find it. When I go on my walks, besides the freaky raccoon encounters, I notice how big the creek is getting with all of the spring rains and how green the trees are becoming as the buds get bigger. The cute little ducks in the pond who no doubt have a nest and I can't wait until the little babies start venturing out too. I enjoy looking at all of the houses and the cool architecture, what kind of stones they used in their chimneys or fences and the landscaping. It all interests me. I envy my parents and the fact that they had so much to enjoy together and they also passed that love of everything around us down to me. I'm sure at the time that was not their intention, they were just doing what came naturally. I'm very grateful for the ability to stop and smell the flowers that they gave me and I'm going to start making a conscious effort to try and share this with my own kids. When you have as many kids as I do and you are so busy all of the time you kind of forget to share in the kids wonder about the world. Hopefully it's not too late to instill a little appreciation for the beauty of all that is around us.

I'm sure it is not too late for Eddie, she is so much like me, it is kind of sad. She will be in the middle of a full blown fit and catch a glimpse of herself in a mirror and you can tell she's checking out her crying face to see if it is believable or not. We were playing cards the other night and every time Max said something he would be looking past me at his reflection in the sliding glass door to see all of his cool gestures and expressions. Lex has always had a flair for the dramatic. Ever since he was little he could go from happy to lying flat on the floor bawling in a matter of milliseconds. He also is the one who at age three came to me one day and said "mom nothing's in my pants"! Not knowing what the heck he was talking about I said "What do you mean there's nothing in your pants"? "Nothing, my imaginary friend, he's in my pants". Well, Nothing has been with us ever since and he ventures out of Lex's pants quite frequently. He's a fun guy, gets into a little bit of trouble every once in a while, but Lex sets him straight.The three youngest definitely have some acting potential. The two older ones are going to be more quiet, but they in their own right have much artistic talent. Gwen can draw like no body's business and Gus' talent is in his mind (no it's not imaginary), he can remember everything, as long as it is of interest to him. That would include movie lines and Yu-Gi-Oh card special abilities. Certainly not important history facts or the state capitals or anything that would help him in school. After writing this I guess I do see a few things I must have had some influence on and without their dad they would be math illiterate. So maybe they will actually be smart and artsy a feat I still can't pull off!

Seriously, Do I Have A Brain?

It's amazing how much time I can waste. I have been trying to change my Facebook profile picture all day. Friggin-A. How long should that take a normal human being?!? I am the most tech unsavy person I know. Seriously, I should have my own personal nerd to follow me around just so I don't mess up the computer. Chip specifically told me when we got our new computer to save all of the pictures onto the external hard drive. Do you think I could do that? No, I could not. The drive was off and for some odd reason when it is turned off it doesn't give itself as an option for a place to save. I swear, I can never do anything the right way. If try really really hard I can do it but as soon as I let my guard down or do something too quickly, I mess up. I have to check and recheck everything so many times, it is ridiculous. So, I saved my stupid pictures onto the stupid hard drive of the stupid computer which in any other universe would be no big deal, right? But in mine it's going to be a hassle. If I knew what I was doing, I would just move them and everything would be peachy but I would probably delete some vital information so I'm just going to leave them there and hope that today is a 'Andrea screwed up again but it's not a big deal' day. Anyway, my day has been spent in front of the computer again and not on anything productive. Unless my profile picture can somehow make me some money or clean up my house! Oh well, at least the sun is finally shining. I'm going to try to enjoy it for a little while and hopefully get something done.

We all knew that wasn't going to happen, didn't we? The kids all scattered after school so I decided to go for a walk. I went down the hill toward the creek like I always do and as I turned the corner I screamed and backed up almost into the street. Why? Because I came disturbingly close to stepping on a dead raccoon. Which is really quite unremarkable seeing that it is a highway and I'm sure that kind of thing happens all of the time. The remarkable thing is that this is the fifth day in a row that I have gone on a walk and the fifth day in a row I have seen the poor little thing and screamed my head off. What the hell? If anyone sees me they must just laugh their asses off. How can I consistently forget it is there? Seriously, it's not like he keeps popping out of a new place every time. He is always in the same place and I am always freaked out. Do you think I might have a few issues? When I got home I saw a leaf. I knew it was a leaf but as I got closer I wasn't so sure. Suddenly the wind blew it and I jumped back convinced it was a mouse. It was still just a leaf. I went out back to rake out my gardens which also freaks me out because I'm convinced I'm going to be the mean person who rakes up some baby bunnies or equally adorable creatures. I heard a loud crack and looked down at my rake. It looked okay so I kept going. A few minutes later another crack. This time I could tell it was kind of off, but I kept raking. Needless to say, my rake didn't make it. I figured I had another in the shed so I just went and got that one. I started raking and after about three pulls the rake part just fell off of the stick. I took this as a sign to stop raking. At least the baby bunnies are safe for another day cause big mean rake lady is gone. I wonder if a bunny could loosen a screw?

Someday

What a wonderful weekend! I really needed some time away. Being away refreshed my memory on a of couple things. One is that Chip has really come a long way when it comes to staying with the kids. They are not happy when I'm gone and they make it really difficult for him and I don't think I really ever give him credit for even letting me go. I fixate on the fact that they are acting up and he's not stopping them and not on the fact that I am not the one who has to deal with it at that moment in time. I know it is not the ideal situation, it would be nice if they jumped up and down all excited to spend the weekend with their daddy. If they did that I would probably complain that they like him better than me. The second thing is that I need to stop being a martyr. Had I decided to go away for a night a few months ago, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand. A family is only as strong as it's weakest link. If I was burnt out, then things that normally didn't bother me very much bothered me a lot. I'm not saying everything is going to be perfect because I relaxed for a day or two, but it might help a little. I always thought those girls who would go for their weekly massages were just spoiled, but maybe in some cases they are actually doing their families some good. By taking care of themselves, they are in turn taking care of their families. That totally sounds like a pile of crap just so I can have an excuse to pamper myself once in a while. And so what if it is? If a night or two away from my kids helps me to be even a little bit better mom isn't it worth it?

I have been trying to write for what seems like forever. I am sitting in my room with my mp3 turned up as loud as it will go (I wonder why my hearing is going?) and I can still hear Eddie rambling. She has been talking for three hours straight. For awhile she just stood in front of me singing as loud as she could trying to get me to take my head phones off. I didn't fall for it. She just keeps going. She doesn't need me to talk back to her. She can carry on a conversation perfectly well with or without me. She will just keep babbling on and on and on. Asking and answering, arguing and explaining, gesturing and miming. I swear, she will never be lonely. When you can entertain yourself for that amount of time it's got to be some kind of talent. Damn, I try to tune her out and it is impossible. I can't think when she does this. When she infrequently leaves the room along comes Max. It's like they are some sort of talking tag team. When ones not speaking to me the other one has to be. And then there are the hand off times when they are both talking at the same time until one wanders out of earshot. I think I heard something about soap or dinosaurs or deodorant I'm not really sure any more. Crap, they are never going to stop! Someday I will miss this. I just have to keep telling myself that or I might not think it is so charming. Someday I'll miss this, someday I'll miss this, someday I'll miss this...is it someday yet???

Tales From My Trip

I'm in Milwaukee at a really nice hotel, sitting in a very comfy bed. A girl could get used to this. We had a lot of fun tonight! We spent the night talking to James and his wife, Heidi at the art walk. We both found a few things we had to have. It was great to talk to James again, I miss all of the fun we used to have. Oh, to be sixteen again! I still can't believe it has been so long. I feel like it was yesterday we were playing Dukes of Hazard in the St. Jude parking lot and lighting our farts in the back seat of the car - what? If you have never tried it I would highly recommend the experience, loads of fun, if your sixteen, that is!! Kelsie and I reluctantly left the art fair to go to a wine bar that Jessica told us about called Vino 100. Very cool. It was a beautiful night and we sat outside and drank wine and people watched, which is always a fun experience. At about eleven thirty, we realized we hadn't had any dinner, oops! So we went in search of the ultimate pizza. We went to one place which had much ambiance, or in lay man's term's lots of lots of guy's a girl could really get into watching, but they were closing. We ended up at a restaurant near our hotel with less ambiance, but freakin' good pizza! Which was OK, cause we were really hungry and in this case, hunger trumped ambiance. All in all a very good night away from the old grind, Maybe I can take some of my experience home and spread the inspiration and good feelings around.

Just to gain perspective, Max did call my cell phone about five times trying to get a hold of me. He and Gus had an argument about something trivial and he felt he had to tell me every detail of the encounter, but that was okay, because after he told me about the entire situation, I didn't hear from him again the whole night. Proof again that sometimes people just need someone to listen to them. It's amazing what a little listening can do for a situation. Sometimes it can take something with the potential to explode and completely destroy everything in it's path and tame it to a mere bump in the road of life. Too bad more people don't take the time to listen a little more often and ignore a little less often. I'm betting it would make all the difference in the world.

Ass

How sad is it that I haven't been away from my kids for more than a couple of hours in over six months? I'm thinking that a huge part of my problem might be kid overload. Everyone needs a break once in a while. If I had an actual job I would have many more breaks and vacation time. Do you know why businesses give you those incentives? To keep you happy and productive. Imagine that. Wanting to keep your employees happy. What a concept. You cannot expect a person to work constantly for months upon months without giving them any time off. And don't tell me that moms get breaks when their kids are sleeping or at school. There is never a time from the day our first child is born to the day we take our last breath that we are not on some level thinking about them. Certainly there are times when our minds are mostly kid free, but then we are probably thinking about bills, or groceries, or heaven forbid what our husbands need at that moment in time. The amount of stuff that rattles around in my over tasked brain is amazing. What's more amazing is that I am able to keep five kids and their schedules and all of their crap semi organized without too many problems. Hopefully.

Ass. That's all I have to say. He's an ass. I was carting the kids around all afternoon. The baby had a father/child night at her school, so he had to come home at a decent time tonight. Sweet, right? It should be, but after I had picked up the boys from bowling, I was going to go home, drop them off and pick up Gus for baseball practice, but then I had, what at the time seemed like, a brilliant thought. Gus' practice was less than a block from where Chip and Eddie were going at the exact same time. What would be the big deal for Chip to drop Gus off at practice and save me a good twenty minutes of running around? So, I get home and Chip and Eddie are just getting ready to leave. So I say "Hey Chip do you think you could drop Gus off for me"? Huuuuhhhhh! If I would have known earlier I could have been ready earlier and it wouldn't have been a problem. Mind you this is at twenty to six. Practice was at six, I don't know how much time it takes to slow down and push Gus out of the car at the baseball field, but I guess longer than he had. I proceeded to drive Gus to practice with Chip and Eddie behind me the entire way. Poor Gus has now heard the word ass a few too many times for his young ears. I was still pissed when I made it to the field so I told Gus to close his eyes and flipped Chip off. I'm sure he didn't see me, but it made me feel a little better. Ass.

Princess Envy Revisited

Yesterday Eddie told me she wanted to be a princess/doctor when she grew up. I thought that was very cool. She also said she wanted to live in a castle/mansion. Okay, I swear I have never intentionally tried to give her princess envy. I'm thinking maybe it is a naturally occurring state of mind, sorry mom! At least she is trying to do it independently and not relying on a prince charming or a rich husband! I'm not sure what kind of doctor she would have to be to be able to afford a castle/mansion, but I wish her all the luck in the world. Who knows, given the right circumstances anyone can be a success, right? She wants to have rooms for all kinds of pets. The dogs and cats are going to be separated into two rooms. The dogs get to have stuffed cats that they can chew on, and the cats will have real trees in their rooms. Eddie said that when she gets her castle/mansion that I have to come and live with her. She said she'd have plenty of room and we could make it a party house! I'm sure she meant tea party, but I'm thinking party, party!! So I have now agreed to live with her until I am old and gray. Hey, at least someone wants me, right? I can be 'Andie - Queen of the Manor'. Who knows, maybe princess envy turns into princess reality every other generation. I'm going to believe it does. Being a princess was my dream, but settling for the mother of a princess would be okay too.

We spent another night alone. It sure is quiet around here lately. The kids are getting enough sleep and I must be too, 'cause I'm not nearly as crabby. I was thinking about how lonely it is, but the alternative would be yelling and I think I would rather be a little lonely.

Sibling Get-A-Longery?

Wow, I left my kids home last night and they didn't fight...at all. I'm pretty sure I am in an alternate universe or something. I don't think that has happened in years. I hate to keep rehashing the same old topic but the one difference, again, was that Chip wasn't home. I feel majorly stressed out when I am trying to get ready and he is around. I feel I have to get everyone else, including anything he needs, ready first and then maybe, if there's time, get myself ready. When he's here I always run out of time to make dinner, or help the kids with something that will make the night run more smoothly. Like making sure they have enough movies or games lined up. I even lost my keys, per usual, and never once lost my temper trying to find them. If it were a normal night Chip would be wanting something from me and I wouldn't be able to concentrate and then I'd lose my cool. I calmly looked for them 'cause I knew they had to be around here somewhere. Without someone breathing down my neck, I was able to think and recall where I last saw them. Which, by the way, was in the shopping bag from earlier in the day. I was walking into the house and my keys feel into my bag. I distinctly remember saying to myself ,"You had better get those out of there before you forget and can't find them when you need them". I guess I have to tell myself to listen to myself more often. I made the kids dinner, checked to make sure they had everything they were going to need to stay busy, and was out the door early. I was feeling pretty good about the fact that I didn't have to leave the house with the kids crying and asking me why I had to leave. I just made it out the door and my phone rang. I answer to "Where are you"? I told him I was in my car. "Why"? "Because I'm going to be home at 5:15". This after he specifically told me to go to the dinner without him and he would meet me there. So I said "OK, I'll see you there". "You're not going to wait for me"? "Do you want me to wait for you"? "I don't care". "Does it matter if you ride with your parents"? "No". "OK, I'll meet you there". "Well, then we are going to have to leave when my parents leave". "Why"? "Because I'll have to get my bags". "Why can't we just get them later"? "I don't know I guess we could". "Do you want me to wait for you"? "I don't care". Frick! "I'll wait for you. Call me when you get to town". What the fuck am I dealing with here? A twelve year old? So I proceeded to wait in my car for twenty minutes for him to get back to town. I wasn't about to go home and disturb the peace and quiet that I had left. He finally gets back and we went to dinner.

For once when we got home no one was yelling. They were all together working on a computer game. I asked how everything went and they said great. I could get used to this. I absolutely hate arguing probably to the point that I would rather just give in no matter what, as long as I don't have to listen to people arguing about something. I don't like the feeling you get when you argue. I know a lot of people get off on debating and making arguments about subjects, but I'd rather just smile and nod and move along smoothly without rocking the boat too much. This would be a good strategy if I were Switzerland but probably not so good if you need to get people to listen to you and not walk all over you. I guess we'll just have to see, cause I'd rather have a few less arguments and a few more quiet moments.

I should also mention that he did come through in one way last night. I have been wanting a bike for at least a year. Not that I whine about it. No, really, I don't. I had said I was going to buy one for my birthday but, of course, I never did. The dinner we went to was a fundraiser for the Phoenix Fund and there were two bikes in the live auction. Guess who bid on and won them? I love my new bike. I can't wait to take it out for a spin. I have to get it adjusted 'cause I'm so damned short and buy myself a new snazzy helmet, but after that, I'll be all set. I must admit I was surprised because I assumed he was not listening to me all of those times I said it would be cool to have a bike. But low and behold he actually heard me. I guess if the opportunity presents itself anyone can surprise you.

Mount Everest

I have been trying to get my kids to do some work around the house. I'm not talking brick laying or carpet installation here, just some simple chores like dishes, laundry, picking up their dirty clothes, etc. Pretty simple stuff, or so you would think. It's like I asked them to move Mount Everest or something. I will tell Gus to do the dishes and he gets this mad look on his face and stomps off to his room only to come back down about two minutes later hoping that I have forgotten that there is a sink full of dishes. When I ask him again he gets another equally nasty look and stomps off to his room. This has gone on for days at a time, he just refuses to do anything. His sister is quite the opposite in her behavior. I ask her to feed the dog she will say sure mom and three hours later, the dog has yet to be fed and Gwen looks at me with the most sorrowful look on her face as if to say "How can you be angry with me? I'm clearly sorry", but the problem is that she isn't, 'cause it will happen over and over again. I don't know if she truly forgets, or if she is just waiting for me to do it for her. Max will all out refuse to do anything and if asked starts stomping around the house terrorizing everyone until he gets his way. Which under normal circumstances doesn't take too long. Another one of Gus' tricks is to enlist Lex to do his chores, he will agree to clean his room and then I can hear him dictating what Lex needs to do. I really don't care as long as it gets done, but now Lex has a problem with doing things because he says he has to do everything and I think he may actually not be too far off. I'm still holding out hope for Eddie, but not for much longer, 'cause as every day passes she is acting more and more like her brother Max and behavior wise, that can't be a good thing. Hmmmm, I wonder where all of this defiance stems from? I guess I wouldn't know, but let me tell you a story about this past weekend that might shed a little light on the subject. I was so tired of everyone not pulling their weight and promising to do chores after they watched just one more TV show or played one more video game that I swore that no one was going to use anything electronic until we got some things done around the house. Chip was actually behind me on this. He started telling the kids what they had to do and stayed there to make sure it was getting done, or so I thought. I left to run an errand thinking that with Chip on board there would be at least some progress made while I was gone. I came home a couple hours later to the house looking exactly the same - if not a little worse - as when I left. The six of them were all huddled around the computer watching Survivor episodes. I proceeded to clean up and make dinner. Every once in a while I would ask various people to help me with different tasks, the only ones that even came when I called were Lex and Eddie. An hour later, after I had dinner ready, Lex, Eddie and I went outside to the deck and had a very nice relaxing dinner. About half way through, everyone else started meandering out wondering why I didn't call them when dinner was ready. I said I made dinner for the people who helped when I asked for it. All they did was grumble. And what did Chip do when I asked why he refused to help and why the children were all watching TV when I had expressly told them they couldn't? He just looked at me like I had just asked him to move Mount Everest or something...interesting.

JWPP...pssst.

Another Monday! I need to revel in the fact that I have a few hours to enjoy the quiet and stillness before the chaos ensues once again. Today is going to be even more enjoyable because you know who is out of town. The kids and I are going to have a nice relaxing evening, knock on wood! I think I'll suggest watching a movie. Okay, what is it with the Jehovah's Witnesses? I really don't like being rude to them, but they are stalking me. I swear, I am not lying. One weekend, when all of the kids were home a woman and her grandson came to the door. The kids were convinced that the boy was one of the neighbor kids, so they answered the door. I was stuck listening to the woman talk about Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior for twenty minutes while the kids ran around and chased the dog and generally made a nuisance out of themselves. She finally left and I told the kids not to answer the door unless they actually knew who it was. A few days later, I was coming home from picking up Eddie and there was a car parked in front of my house, I found that to be odd, but didn't think much of it. Five seconds after I got in the door the doorbell rang. It was her with three of her friends. This time I told her I had to get the baby ready for class and I didn't have time to talk. She said "yes I noticed you just came home". I wanted to say, "what are you casing the joint now?" but I held my tongue. A week or two later, Gwen was home alone and the woman came again, do you think Gwen ignored her? No, she opened the door and sat and listened to the woman, encouraging her even more. When I came home that day, Gwen gave me the pamphlet and said "hey mom that woman you know stopped by", like she is my best friend or something. I said I didn't know her, she was just someone who was traveling from house to house talking about religion. So, today I didn't see a car when I got home. I answered the door unknowingly and there she is again. This time she was actually quite respectful of the fact that I didn't feel like sitting there and listening to her for an hour. She gave me her little literature and left, but what in the heck? Do they have surveillance set on me or what? How do they know when I'm going to be home? I guess I need to just ignore the door bell. A grown woman hiding out in her house when the person on the other side of the door knows full well that she is home is a little sad. Maybe I should just grow some and tell her to f-off, yeah right, like that will ever happen. I guess I'll just have to learn to be very quiet or pretend I'm deaf or something. Obviously, I can't stand confrontation. I've got it! The most logical solution is to move. I will join the JWPP - the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. Wish me luck , but not to obviously, lest they get a whiff of where I've gone!

Inadequacy...Meet Reality

Okay, I know I've been complaining nonstop, but this is "Andie's Write of Passage" so I guess I'll just keep with the theme. I told him today that I feel like I could have done so much more with my life, meaning I feel I have wasted a lot of time, not really accomplishing things, not having clear goals and not really living up to my full potential. He takes this to mean I feel inadequate. He starts telling me the things that I have done that have improved his life. Notice how everything on planet Earth - maybe the entire solar system - revolves around him. He said he would never have done a lot of things if it weren't for me. Believe me, I would have loved to do more things we both liked together, but in order for that to happen I would have had to dig down and find the shell he calls life that's hidden inside a cave and buried under a ton of rock. His big three improvements were, he goes to Florida every year (because I make him and it's a cheap trip), he knows more about art and culture, and he can name a bunch of flower varieties. Wow. Number one, for fifteen years of marriage, that is a pretty short list and number two, I wasn't asking how I have improved his life, I already knew that. I was trying to make a completely different point in that I need to do more things to keep myself feeling challenged instead of feeling as though I am wasting precious time that I can never get back. I guess I could look at this whole situation as a challenge, but I've been trying to figure this one out for such a long time, I think I need a break. My brain is fried. Obviously, he doesn't get it and I just have to accept that. But I will keep trying to challenge myself and keep setting more and more goals until I am sure that I can't possibly reach any more and then I'm going to try for just a few more, cause that the kind of person I am. For some reason, I had forgotten that. Well, my memory has been restored and I am fully prepared to move forward with goals set and challenges waiting to be met. Who says I need someone else to approve my hopes and dreams? I think I will do just fine figuring them out on my own.

I was trying to write the above entry when Eddie came into my room, crawled up next to me and started saying "woo woo woo". I asked her to stop because I was trying to write something. She proceeded to get closer to me and said "Woo Woo Woo". Again, I asked her to stop. She leaned right up to my ear and shouted "WOO WOO WOO". I yelled, "Eddie what in the heck are you doing"? She said "I am your mind ghost, I live in your mind". Then she ran off giggling. I don't know where she comes up with this stuff. I do know she makes me stop and wonder if maybe sometimes I take things a little too seriously and maybe, just maybe, it's okay to just be silly once in a while.

It's All In My Head

In my head, yeah right. I just heard yelling coming from downstairs so I went to see what was going on. He's yelling and cheering about a Nascar race. It was 10:30pm and he kept walking from the computer to the kitchen television talking to the racers and telling them what they should do. He's got the race on the computer screen along with the stats on a self refreshing roll so he can see all of the places as they change. He has it on in the kitchen also because the picture comes in better there. Back and forth he went, as I sat there the whole time. Every once in awhile I would try to get a conversation going. I even told him as the cars updated. He just mumbled to himself about how that particular standing was good or bad for his drivers. Out of curiosity, I asked him what he could win if his drivers finish in the right places. He says either 2.50 or five dollars. Are you freakin kidding me?!? I sat there for twenty minutes waiting for him to finish watching this shit. This is proof that I need to get my head examined for putting up with this for so long. It is also proof that he is interested in things, he can hold his attention on something that he truly cares about. Who knew? In normal world, I'm pretty sure child rearing is above Nascar on the all important list of things to give your undivided attention to. In scary and slightly unbalanced husband world, Nascar is way more important. Duely noted.

What Did I Do Wrong?

I don't understand what I did wrong. Every other married couple I know has a way that they divvy up whatever there is to do to make their households run smoothly. Whether it be cooking, cleaning, discipline, or yard work. They, together, make it work. Now, I know some of you will not believe me, but in our house my husband does none of these things. I have been told it is because he works for a living and he shouldn't have to worry about them. I have spent the past fifteen years trying my best, which as it turns out doesn't seem to be very good. I did okay for awhile, I mean, I have never been a clean freak but I kept up and I always get the kids where they need to go. But lately, like the past year or two, I really have had trouble keeping up. If this was happening in any other family you would think that the other spouse would step up and say hey it looks like you need a little help, let's work on it together. Okay, maybe that's cheesy, but you get what I mean. Nothing, he has just watched as I have tried to get my ever moody children to listen to me. They know I can't be there to watch them all the time, so as soon as I leave they sit their butts down. Meanwhile whatever mess they just made is compounded with the mess they made before and the one before that. Seriously, don't people pull together and help each other out instead of just ignoring things and stepping over the mess and pretending that it isn't like living in a toxic waste dump? I have a very high tolerance for crap. I grew up with myself for goodness sakes, but this is ridiculous. It's like living with a hundred Me's on crack. There is not a day that goes by that they don't do something that would have gotten me a swift kick in the butt. I don't agree with dealing with children physically, but when you are outnumbered and your husband can just sit there while they disrespect you and sit there while you wonder how to get them to behave and sit there when you try to figure out what kind of discipline would work. Where is the hope? With the situation the way it is, they know that I can't enforce all of the punishments and if they wait long enough their father will just give up. So here we are in a situation that is not working. I am convinced that if it were completely up to me, they would behave better. They are so angry at their dad all of the time if that figure were taken out of the equation then there may not be a problem. I may be way off, but what could it hurt? The way it is now is only making things worse. At least if I screwed up alone then I would have no one to blame but myself. Raising a family is really hard work , but it is even harder when you have to do it with the expectation that you have the help of someone else and every time you count on them they fail you. I may not be the best wife on the planet, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let something as trivial as the whims of my husband spoil the kind of mother I know I have the potential to be.

Twelve Days To Self Awareness

Twelve days, it has been 12 days since we had our little chat. How much time am I supposed to give him to show me any effort. All I've gotten is a "I want to work this out" and a "am I being nice enough to you"? This morning was the first time he had spoken to me in a while, ya want to know what he said? "Don't I have any clean work clothes"? Nice, he comes home late and leaves before I wake up. But when he needs something, instead of looking for it himself he wakes me up and wants me to find it for him. I promptly found what he wanted and asked him if he realized that he only speaks to me when it concerns something like this and he said "sorry". That's all I get. Enough time wasted on him. The more I fixate on how infuriated he makes me the less in control I feel. I don't need to spend my days worrying about what I need to do to make him happy. I need to focus on making myself happy and if he wants to join he party then that is up to him.

It took five kids to get one that will actually walk up to other kids and say "Hi, I'm Eddie what's your name?" She will do it to every child in the park and then she will want to invite these same children to her house for elaborate parties and picnics. She asked me last night if the little girl at the park could come and sleep over. People must think we are nuts! I am quite afraid of what she is going to be like as a teenager. If she's gonna be anything like me I think I'll have to see if there's a good nunnery or some other place with four walls and a lock on the door to contain her for awhile. Maybe that's what's wrong with society these days, besides prison or the Army, there isn't anywhere to send your children for a little straightening up. And if there is, and you do, you are considered a terrible parent. I don't think anyone should be condemned for having to ask for help with their kids, especially these days when there is so much more influence on them than just your family and friends. There's cable, and Family Guy, and their delinquent friends, and the stupid people you know who just say crap to scare kids thinking it is funny. I'm, of course, not speaking of anyone in particular, I'm just saying. Very few parents don't try their best and even the ones who aren't probably don't know any better. Point being that asking for help should be a normal thing to do not something of last resort. Many children could be saved a lot of confusion and self-esteem issues if their parents just spread the parenting around - not to be confused with the dumping off of the child because you are tired of dealing with them. Some of the most well rounded people I know were raised or are raising their kids in a multi-generational situation. My kids rarely see their grandparents, I find that to be very sad. Some of my best memories are from spending time with my grandparents. Kids get to learn that there are other people besides their parents who might know a thing or two about life. They might even feel more comfortable opening up to them. Here I go getting all philosophical again and that can't be a good thing since I can barely even spell the word philosophical. Getting back to my point, I think Eddie, having had more influence in her life from her older brothers and her sister, may have the benefit of more experience talking to others and depending on people besides me. This, in turn, has given her a little more confidence when it comes to her day to day interactions. Or, maybe I'm just blowing smoke and she is just naturally social and her early influences mean nothing. In which case I will shut up now. The fact remains that a little extra life experience is a good thing and in order to get that you need to experience life. We are going to make more of an effort to experience new things and meet new people, who knows maybe we'll even get to know ourselves a little better.

Birds Will Be Birds

It's amazing what a little sun can do for your mood. I still didn't get a whole lot done, but I felt much better about myself while sitting on my ass not getting stuff done. Here is how neurotic I can be. We have a birds nest near our front door every year. I could get rid of it and make sure they don't nest there, but I am a sucker and they know it. They come back year after year. Every time one of the kids walks out the front door, the mother bird goes flying off. Every time I go out the front door she sits there, in her nest, staring at me, what's up with that? Do I not even have enough 'wow factor' to frighten a bird? And I, like an idiot, always say 'hi' to her and ask her how she's doing. Anyway, the other day my precious boys were playing around on the front porch and long story short, I came home to the bird's nest by a bench on the porch with two babies staring up at me. So, I - of course - have to try to keep them from being eaten by a cat or something equally vicious. I get some plastic bags and a ladder and I climb my fat ass up to the light that they were on top of and put their nest back where it belongs. I'm feeling all proud that the poor little things are now safe. Today I was going out to get the newspaper and guess who is now on the ground? The baby birds are on the cold concrete of the porch and the mother is sitting on top of them. Very cute, but now I am worried about them - again. But I guess not worried enough to move them - again. I figure the mother bird has a good reason for her babies being on the cold hard ground. I can't imagine what it would be, but with my luck I'd put them back and one would fall out and break it's little neck. I'm thinking if I were the mommy bird I'd tell the crazy lady who lets her kids run wild to mind her own damn business. Well, all I can say is lucky I'm not a bird, 'cause I'd be kind of bitchy. I just hope I can sleep - maybe I should just commit myself to the loony bin now and save my family the trouble.

Speaking of my boys, it is very interesting how they have been acting lately, this may all be in my head, but I swear all three of them are calmer and less confrontational. It may be as simple as the weather being nicer and they are able to get outside more often. I'm sure that does have something to do with it. A bigger mystery to me is the fact that their dad has been working such long hours lately I can't help but wonder if that might have something to do with it too? The fact that he is not coming home is giving them a chance to decompress and not be so in his face when he finally gets home, if they are even still awake. It would be nice if their dad would be able to just hang out with them and give them the attention they need, but maybe this is the next best thing. It's like taking your kids to the park to play before nap time. They run around get all worn out and take a nice long nap, or so I've heard. We are avoiding confrontation by avoiding the triggers that cause it. Sadly this includes all of their daddy time, but if the time wasn't happy and fun then is it really all that bad?

Organiza...What?

How can entire days pass without me getting anything done? You would think with all of that time on my hands I might accidentally accomplish something. No such luck. If there were a job that paid you for the least amount of work completed in a day, I might actually make lots and lots of money at it. How in the world do people get so much done? I would settle for half or a fourth of what a normal non life skills challenged person can do. I know I need to work on my organizational qualities, but of course that would take some planning and fore thought which obviously just isn't gonna happen. I have tried to read books on organization and I have promptly lost them. I have tried to get my family behind me to help, promising everything under the sun if they would just buckle down. We could have our life in order in no time I tell them. I think they know that I am lying through my teeth. I don't believe it so why should they? The second anyone stops working they all fall in line and stop working also because heaven forbid they do any more work than the one sitting next to them. Or they claim a more important task arose and they just had to take care of it. Or they will whine that if so and so doesn't have to do it then neither do I. I have never been one to have everything neat and tidy but this is ridiculous. If you are one person living alone it is one thing, but you take seven people and all of their crap and all of the things they actually need on a day to day basis it's enough to bury a person both literally and figuratively. I'm thinking I need to just start tossing, which in theory sounds good, but again the fact that I don't have one motivated bone in my body is a hindrance. It sure sounds like I am destined to live a cluttered unhappy existence. Well, I guess it's only another 13 years until Eddie goes to college, maybe I will get around to it then - probably not.

Skinny Fit Chick

Alright, how out of shape am I? It only takes one encounter with a skinny fit chick to realize that the months I have spent trying to get in shape are only the beginning. I have a long way to go. I think I did a pretty good job of keeping up considering the fact that I have really short legs. That has always been my fall back excuse. People would ask "Andie why are you walking so slow"? "I have really short legs"! I would answer. Well, skinny fit chick's not that much taller than I am so my standby excuse is out the window. Damn. Oh well, I was going to have to find out eventually. It's just another "to do" for my list. 1.fix my marriage, 2. raise decent kids, 3. exercise more so I can keep up with skinny fit chicks. Seriously, my knees are killing me. I'm used to the ankles -they always hurt, but now the knees have started, I swear. I would use the age excuse too, but she is only a few months younger than me. Damn, I guess I'm just a sad, out of shape, short, slightly bitter, old woman. And by god if I can still walk by next week we're going to do it again! Ow. Wish me luck! Ow.

Expectations

What is it with men? Unless you are actively yelling at them, they think everything is hunky dory. Heaven forbid that you bring up any type of dissatisfaction. It's like you slapped a puppy or something. I swear, why, just because I say that I will try to work on things does that mean that I, alone, will work on things. He actually asked me the other day if he was doing a good job of paying attention to me. It makes me sound like I'm some kind of attention craving narcissist who can't hear enough about how wonderful I am. Like being nice to me is so hard that it takes every ounce of energy in his body to be civil to me. I swear, I do not ask for much. I know there are women out there who think they are low maintenance and are unbelievably high maintenance. I'm pretty sure I would be able to tell if I were one of them. I guess they don't know - so I might not know - but that's neither here nor there. Just believe me, I 'm not. Anyway, all I ask is to let me know if he's not going to be home until 11 or 12 o'clock at night and when he does finally get home say "hi" instead of staying downstairs and watching TV after an entire day of not talking to me. I can handle all of the running for the kids and all of the meetings and appointments. Actually, I can even handle the not coming home until all hours and leaving at the crack of dawn as long as I know what to expect. The problem is when I expect him home or for dinner or to bring one of the kids somewhere then he calls and says he can't make it. The problem is not that he can't do it. It is that he ever said he would do it in the first place. If he thinks these are unreasonable requests then I think we have a problem. I never promise anything to my kids that I can't deliver on. I think that comes from a childhood of always expecting to see my dad at my school stuff and him never being able to make it. I think if I just knew he wasn't coming from the beginning I would have handled it better. I tell my kids "I will try" or "we'll see" because if you promise to do something and then back out, they never forget it. When he does this guess who is left holding the bag? Why didn't daddy take me here or there or why didn't daddy come home tonight. To think that an adults actions cannot profoundly affect a child is pure stupidity or selfishness or maybe a little bit of both. Kids are always listening and they hear every word you say to them even when it seems like they aren't listening. Expectations are very powerful. When a meeting or something you are expecting to go well goes not as well as you had hoped you feel like you've failed - even though you haven't actually failed you just had a higher expectation. Not that you shouldn't have high expectations, you should, but when part of the equation includes the actions of another person you have to take into consideration what that person is capable of delivering. I can't make decisions for another person and if they are trivializing what I believe when does it end? This is a huge issue with me, I always think things are going to be better than they end up being. I realize that marriage takes a lot of work and I am willing to work as hard as I have to. But when do you know if he incapable of meeting my expectations or am I incapable of lowering my expectations to meet what he is willing to give? I guess there is no answer to that but I need to figure out if I am being unreasonable or if he isn't trying as hard as he could be. I am willing to try to figure all of this out as long as I'm not believing in expectations that can never be met.

Bunny Needs To Have Her Head Examined

Here's the picture. Eleven fifty-five on the eve of Easter. I was about to make my cornbread for Easter dinner when I realized I didn't have any eggs. I had 36 of them but they were all hard boiled - oops! I looked through the ingredients and realized I needed a few more things, so I drove to the Time Sucking Black Hole that is Walmart. Before I left I told Max he needs to get some sleep 'cause I wanted him to be well rested for Easter dinner with Grandma. He, of course, said he would. One thing led to another and an hour and a half later I was leaving Walmart with more than a few things that were not on my list. I get home and guess who's still up? Everyone else is fast asleep and he's sitting there drinking a fully caffeinated Diet Coke. Wonderful. I proceeded to make my cornbread and do my last minute tasks which was pretty much everything because I am a bit of a procrastinator. I know, big surprise. Max was being very helpful. I kept telling him to go to sleep so he could be on his best behavior for Grandma, he kept putting it off. Finally around 2 am I told him I was going to bed thinking that if I go to bed he would fall asleep and I could get down to the business of Easter Bunnying. I checked my e-mail, watched a couple of TV shows, by now I am thoroughly exhausted but I am not going to ruin my child's Easter so I continued to wait him out. Finally, at 4 am - yes I said 4 am - the dog comes running upstairs which means Max finally let go of him when he fell asleep. I snuck downstairs, gathered all of the baskets and treats and hunkered down in the bathroom - cause I could lock the door - and proceeded make everything Easter Bunnyized. Half an hour later I have my fully packed baskets ready to hide. I went out to the front yard and hid the plastic Easter eggs. I creatively placed the baskets and just because I'm a glutton for punishment, made up more eggs and hid them in the back yard. The entire time I was thinking about how cool this would be if I were a kid. I finally slid my exhausted ass into bed around 5am. I went directly to sleep. At 7 am I hear Lex running through the house yelling "I know where every body's Easter baskets are"! He proceeded to wake everyone up and followed them around giving them very leading clue's to the whereabouts of their baskets. Surprise, surprise this began pissing them off because they wanted to find the baskets on their own. I, of course, was listening to all of this from my bed because I certainly hadn't actually gotten my ass up and out of it yet. I kept drifting in and out of a sleep. Suddenly a fierce argument about why Lex got the Ninja Gingerbread Man Wii game and Max got he stupid Penguin Wii game erupted. Max has always loved Penguins, but I guess the Easter Bunny should have known that he wanted the Ninja Gingerbread Man game instead. The fighting went on for the next hour until Lex finally gave in and said he would trade with Max. Problem solved - right? Wrong. The next time I came to, I was listening to Lex tell me that Max had gone outside and was cheating on the Easter egg hunt. I asked how does one cheat on an Easter egg hunt? He said Max was looking for all of the eggs so that when everyone went out he would already know where they are. I rolled over and went back to sleep. A few minutes later Max came up and said Dad was going to start the Easter egg hunt - whoa! When did dad start getting credit for the Easter Bunny duties?!? Needless to say, I was up for the day. I proceeded to go downstairs to watch them. Chip told the kids to go and find one egg each, come back, and then they could go out for another. Max decided that he was above the rules again and started taking all of the eggs. Eddie freaked, Lex started crying, I decided to go in the house because I had had enough egg hunting watching for a while. A few minutes later, Gus came in crying. He was trying to help get the eggs back and Max got mad at him. Total chaos. Eventually everyone calmed down. I kept asking why they thought that fighting over Easter eggs on Easter Sunday was an okay thing to do. Nobody seemed to understand that this was a problem. Eventually I got everyone dressed and ready for dinner at their Grandma's house. Believe it or not, they were very good for the time we were there. Which is cool 'cause if they weren't, this story would be even longer. I mentioned the fact that I had hid Easter eggs on the front lawn too, right? Well, when we got home Max decided to pick up all of those eggs before anyone else had the chance causing yet another fight. My point with this whole long and drawn out story - besides the fact that Max needs more sleep - is that even though I try to make things perfect for my kids and they may not appreciate the things that I do, I know that eventually they will see that I tried my best and hope that it was good enough to leave them with memories that they will want to recreate with their own kids. Sometimes it is easier to just give up and not bother trying to keep them believing in childhood fantasies, but then I would have gotten plenty of sleep and wouldn't have had anything to write about! Kids are not the easiest things in the world to figure out but I am willing to sacrifice a little sleep to try to preserve a little innocence if only for a few fleeting moments in time.

How Can You Be Bored?

I'm pretty sure that without my family, I would be a vegetable. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but I certainly wouldn't have much going through my brain. When they aren't around I don't think about much. When they are around, all I think about is them. I wonder if given a chance my mind would eventually start thinking for itself again or if I would just sit here thinking of nothing. Weird. I am short three kids and after all of my complaining about them, I am sitting here, not sure what to do with myself. I should just enjoy myself, right? okay, I'm going to try... Nope, still kinda bored. Maybe I should take up meditation or something to channel my thoughts, if I have any that is. You always want what you can't have and when you finally get what you want you don't know what to do with it. Not that I'm not enjoying the quiet, I am, but I think I have gotten used to being on high alert and when there is nothing to be alarmed about it almost worries me. Now how bizarre is that? Babbling is apparently my forte today. I am really going to enjoy my calm afternoon and stop wondering why I'm not enjoying it more. Life is what it is, right?

Speaking of being bored, I went to Appleton to drop off Eddie and Lex at Stacy's house. She would be the slightly insane woman who actually asked for two of my children to spend the night at her house. I asked the boys if they wanted to come along. They, of course, said no. I told them Appleton is a half an hour away, I wouldn't be home very soon. They said they wanted to stay. I said we could play at a park near their aunt's house. They said they would be fine. So I, against my better judgement left them happily watching their TV shows. I actually made it all the way down to Appleton and was able to visit for about two minutes when my phone started vibrating. I answered and Gus said "Hey mom, where are you". I said "I'm at your aunt house, why"? He proceeded with "Well why aren't you home"? I answered "I told you I would be gone for at least an hour and a half. Why, what do you need"? "We're bored"he said. Whatever.

Princess Envy

Why do I set myself up for failure? I would be better off just accepting a sucky life than expecting things that just aren't going to happen. I have always been a dreamer. When I was a little girl I always thought I would grown up to be a really well kept woman. I had visions of cooks, and drivers, and the all important maid. I wouldn't have to do anything except what made me happy. I would have gardens, and a mansion with a library that had a rolling ladder to the towers of books, and my own grounds with ponds and fields to enjoy (yes I have really thought this through). My children were going to be well-rounded, schooled at the finest academies, raised with horse riding lessons and piano lessons and foreign language lessons. We were going to be a very happy and obviously wealthy family. I know this was not attainable, but as a little girl, I sure thought it was. My mother had me completely convinced that this was my lot in life. She was always talking about the finer things and I will admit my childhood was quite comfortable. I never went without any necessities. We stayed at really nice hotels, shopped in really nice stores, vacationed in really nice places, but what I failed to realize was that unless you are born into money, which I was not, you really have to work your ass off to get it. I suffer from princess envy. I think I deserve things just because I am me. It never even occurred to me to work for it. I see women every day who don't work and it seems as though they have everything that I want. I don't know if they do or not but I need to stop living with the expectation of something that I am never going to achieve and start working toward a goal that is realistic. I don't need all of the fancy things, but I do need to start investing in the quality of life that I have. I know I am very lucky to have all that I do, but a girl can still dream, can't she?

Waiting for Asshole

This one is just me being neurotic. Why do I wait for him? Every night starting at 5:30 my life revolves around him.When is he going to be home, is he going to want to eat, is he going to be in a good mood? The list goes on and on. I know I should just do what ever I need to do, but for some reason I can't. I have to wait until he's home and then I fixate over what he needs. Over the past weeks I have not given a rat's ass where he was and I was very productive and happy. Now after only a day I am back in my rut of waiting and waiting for someone who really could care less about any of the things that I feel he cares about. I don't know if this is what I think a good wife should do, or if I think this is what he would want me to do, but I have to stop it. I am constantly thinking about whether he isn't coming home because of something I did or if he is lying dead on the side of the road. Logically he is just working late, but in my twisted mind I can't believe that. I always have to have some other reason for his behavior. I don't know why I think men are so deep. Most of them are not. I know mine isn't. He just doesn't think about things the way I do. He doesn't understand that when he's not home on time it drives me nuts, even though once he gets home I act like I didn't need him to be home or I complain that his being home has somehow caused a problem that didn't exist while he was not home. No wonder men and women are always complaining about each other. Just by being we drive each other nuts. I need to stop fixating on imaginary roles for myself and concentrate on doing what I need to do to be a happy productive person.

I think I would go completely insane if not for my kids. I can be at the end of my rope ready to throw in the towel and all of a sudden they say something so off the wall I have to laugh. For example Eddie kept asking and asking for a slushie at the drive-thru window. I told her they were expensive and I didn't want to spend that much on something she wasn't going to finish. She kept asking and I kept saying no. Finally after many promises that she would finish the whole thing I agreed to buy her one. She ordered a strawberry slushie from the girl at the drive- thru who, by the way, had to listen to our entire inane conversation about slushies. When it came Eddie was so excited she thanked me over and over again. I handed it to her, she took a sip and said, 'This tastes like gunk. I am going to drink it all up, but it tastes like gunk.' I asked her what she meant by it tasted like gunk and she said it was slushie bushie. I guess that was supposed to explain everything. After a few more questions I learned that slushie bushie meant that the girl must have made it too slushie and all of the flavor was whipped out. I decided that this story alone was worth the two bucks for the drink which, by the way, is still sitting in my car completely full. So, for all of you out there who ever wanted to know if slushie bushie was a good thing - we now know, it is not.

Baseball is as Exciting as Watching Paint Dry

Yet another sacrifice we make for our kids. I am sitting in an informational meeting for baseball. I am not a baseball fan, if I had my choice I would never sit through an entire game. But my little boy has decided that baseball is his thing. I'm not sure if he decided this just because there was too much running in soccer or if he truly likes the sport. It doesn't really matter. He has committed so now I am a 'just while my sons playing' baseball fan. Soccer games are fast paced and exciting. Baseball games are kind of like watching paint dry. The only edge of your seat time is when your kid is playing but that lasts all of five seconds per inning and then you get to watch him in the dugout spitting and readjusting himself. These are purely my opinions. I'm sure there are many many people who actually enjoy the sport, but I can't imagine why. Parent involvement in these things is unbelievable. I always thought that sports were for the children. It almost seems like these parents are so into living their children's lives that they all but put the little uniforms on and run the bases. Maybe when they were kids they didn't get to play or their coaches yelled at them too much. Overprotective parents are not the exception anymore they are the norm. I don't fit that mold. I am too lazy to be overprotective. I'm barely protective. Oh who are we kidding, I rarely give a shit. Hopefully my kids will see it as it was - letting them experience their childhoods themselves. Enjoy!

I Love Mondays

Monday's are supposed to be the least looked forward to day of the week. Not for me - bring them on! I love Mondays. I finally get a chance to hear myself think after a very long weekend of six people either talking, fighting, or complaining pretty much non-stop. I love my family very much but everyone has a child exposure time limit. Mine used to be much longer. Maybe it's because I'm getting older or maybe it's because they are getting older but the fact remains that every day I wake up with the ideal that this is going to be a great day and by the time I go to bed I am wondering 'why me'??? I really try to keep that positive attitude going but when a whole day passes and you have accomplished nothing and then the kids start complaining about something totally asinine it starts to fade away. Ten arguements later it's gone completely and you are one of those kids complaining that 'it's not fair that I have to do the dishes either, but I do them because that's what families do'. I'm not so sure anymore. My family is nothing like what I thought a family would be like. Maybe I am way out in left field here, but I always pictured a family to be two parents who respected each other and would do things to help each other out not caring if it was a mom job or a dad job. They would make sure, even if they didn't agree all of the time, to let the kids know what the rules were and hope that by standing together the kids just might follow them. I thought I would have kids who at least try to be helpful and care about their brothers and sisters and want to do little things to make every one's life a little easier. Okay, I know, total fantasy, but my reality sucks, so I need to figure out a way to either accept the fact that my family is never going to be the 'not drive me nuts' type of family or do something to help them become the 'not going to drive me nuts' type of family. I believe that positive thoughts help to bring positive results but that is next to impossible when the negative out weighs the positive six to one. I'm going to keep looking for that silver lining and try not to let the whining and complaining bother me so much. Before I know it I will be blogging about how empty and quiet the house is and how I remember the laughter and good times like they were yesterday. The story of my life seems to be wait and see, but that's what I will have to do and hope that all of the waiting and seeing doesn't leave me wondering what if I hadn't waited?

Hope?

Who ever said that drinking never solved any problems? Okay, my problems aren't solved. I'm not so stupid as to believe that, but after a full night of all out soul-bearing screaming I think I may have found a tiny crack in my theory. Maybe, just maybe, there might be a chance that I can get through this. It certainly is not going to be easy and I'm betting I will be bitching and complaining many more times. As of right now, I have hope for the first time in a really long while. In order for problems to be solved both parties have to be willing to give a little. I felt I was giving a lot. I have finally seen an honest effort to give back. I don't know if it is genuine or a complete last ditch effort but I am willing to wait it out and see. I do however know now that if it is another ploy to delay the inevitable there won't be any warnings next time. I am convinced that I am strong enough and determined enough to make it on my own. Lessons exist to be learned and without being brave enough to risk failure there can be no growth. Hopefully we can figure out how to move forward together.

Publically Passionate or Closet Crazy?

Just out of curiosity, which would be a more desirable personality trait, passion about a subject which may come off once in awhile sounding a little nuts, or nothing at all. No opinions, no viewpoints, no response to anything? I think a little crazy is okay. It is better to be a little nuts in public than totally over the edge in private. Eventually I think even the most well behaved uncomplaining individual is going to crack. When they do then it doesn't matter if they are in public or private somethings going to blow. The human psyche can only take so much repressing and reinventing of truths before it has to let some of it out. I was always from the school of thought of - who knows better how to deal with my problems than me? I don't need some shrink to tell me my mommy didn't love me and my daddy was a workaholic and that's why I'm so messed up. I can figure that shit out on my own and save a hell of a lot of money in the process. But there is something to be said for sharing your thoughts and feelings in an attempt to let yourself and others understand who you are and who you want to become. Without any introspection there can be no growth. If you are everything you can be now than what is the point? Christ, you would think I knew what I was talking about or something with all of those big words. I assure you I do not, just trying to convince myself that a little crazy is okay and maybe even essential to a happy existence.

Believe it or not I had another pleasant evening. There must be something in the water. The boys have bowling on Thursdays so we were gone after school and then we stopped at Walmart to get Gwennie a birthday gift. The boys were decent. They of course wanted various toys and for once they listened when I said no and to put them back. That has to be a call the newspapers moment. Usually they put up such a fight I buy whatever it is anyway. After an hour and a half at The Time Sucking Black Hole that is Walmart, we picked up the birthday dinner and went home to celebrate Gwen's birthday. The one fight was because Max decided to take Gwen's birthday video and hide it. Pretty typical. Wow, I guess we are extremely boring. The kids behavior is good for my stress levels but it sure doesn't make for a very interesting story! I'm counting my blessings 'cause just like the bad behavior - this too shall pass - it's just a matter of time - so I will enjoy my new found well mannered kids while I can.

No!

Some people are convinced that they are always right while others are sure they are always wrong. How messed up do you have to be to actually believe that there is nothing that can be done just because somebody says so. Positive attitudes don't necessarily mean positive outcomes, but they don't hurt. Negativity on the other hand can definitely decide your fate. A negative person will probably never live up to any perceived goals just because of the fact that it is just too hard to fight your way through all of those No's standing in your way. The word itself shuts people down. If you heard the word no before everything someone said it would eventually make you stop listening. I think children are especially susceptible to negativity from their parents or important adults. I'm not saying one needs to always say yes to your kids, but a few less No's might help. Lately, I have noticed I sometimes say no out of habit. There is no reason, just that it is a reaction. I'm going to try listening more closely before answering. You never know it may end up being a yes.

My kids were so good yesterday, I'm almost afraid to go home and find out what tonight holds. They usually have a goodness threshold and it certainly would not hold for more than one day but we'll see, stranger things have happened! Max had a field trip to the museum today. We had a lot of fun. I know I need to enjoy these times before he is too embarrassed to be seen with me. I'm sure that is not very far off. It's amazing the difference a little one on one time with your kids can make. I really notice his behavior improves a lot when he gets a little mom time. I know this but it is so hard to do with five of them. I need to try harder to make sure they each get more time without the others pestering - even if it's just a few minutes at a time. I always thought that I had a child maximum - patience wise, but I'm beginning to believe that I have a petty bullshit maximum and I've definitely hit my limit. The kids I can handle it's the rest of the shit that can take a hike!

Birthday Part 2

Here's a story that makes me think I might be doing a thing or two right. So, Wednesdays are complete running for me. As soon as school is over I have to pick Eddie up at the bus stop and take her to dance class and pretty much I'm picking up, and or, dropping off various children until 8:30 at night. I decided to bring all of the kids with me to pick Ed up from dance so we could go out for my birthday dinner. We went to Arby's-extravagant-I know. But the best part was that they were pretty good. No fighting or running around. Max and Eddie didn't even complain when I didn't sit next to them. They ate their meals and we talked and it was quite fun! Then it was back to running, confirmation classes, more dance classes and finally we got home around 8:30. I was bringing some things in from the car and the kids called me into the house and said they had a surprise. They had made me a birthday cake. It was beautiful. It had frosting, candles, and sprinkles (of course). Seriously, I don't know when they had time to make it but I would never have guessed that they would do such a great job. And on top of all of that - it was really good! Day to day life is really trying sometimes, but when you get a moment in time when you see that you might be making a difference, it makes all of the hard days well worth it. I'm going to keep believing in what I'm doing and looking at the big picture.

Birthdays.

So, another birthday. When is the proper age to refuse to celebrate these things? I'm thinking I should have stopped about five or six years ago. I wouldn't want to go all the way back to my twenties 'cause I was pretty stupid back then. Anyone over forty or forty-five seems old to me. Yeah, I know, I'm being a bit weird but I swear my parents were just in their forties like a few years ago. Forties and fifties are reserved for those old uncool people who we grew up trying not to be like. Now, bam! all of a sudden, we are them. Creepy. The only comfort I can take is that I know I'm cooler than my parents ever were. I'm sure my kids don't think so and when they are my age they will think I was as dorky as I thought my parents were. They will probably be right but by then I'll be senile and won't really care! People are always saying with age comes wisdom, well can't I just get wiser and leave all of the sagging, sore joints, and wrinkles for those who actually wish to get older? And believe me there ARE those people out there. They enjoy the fact that they are getting closer to the grave. They have been living to die their whole lives. I would rather live to live and I would like to do it in a thirty-five year old body - thank you very much! Life is what you make of it so instead of being dragged down into the dark abyss created by negative people I choose to scrape and claw my way back to a world where happiness is the norm and dreams are meant to be realized.