Sad

It takes so very little to make me happy, but it also takes so very little to make me sad. I can be completely satisfied with kind gesture or word and completely derailed with negative behavior or a flippant remark. I cling to any kindness I can find because it reminds me of what I want for myself and I repel any rudeness because it's what I fear I will become. I am so very sad. Not for any logical reason, just because. I am sad that I have such a long journey, I am sad because I don't think I am strong enough anymore, I am also sad because I am so very alone. All of these things are, I'm sure, in my messed up head, but at this moment in time it is how I feel. I cannot imagine being able to crawl out of the hole I have created. I want to with all my heart, I want to believe that I can do it, but right now I'm thinking no, that's not gonna happen. Writing down my feelings is good and bad for me. Good because I always feel better when I'm finished but bad because I never know if I'm telling myself the truth or if I am elaborating the truth just to make it sound better. I say I can do something but am I actually lying to myself and never believed I could do it in the first place? It's pointless to try to figure it out now. I will say that I'm glad I reached out even though I'm so sad now. You never know what you have in common with someone unless you ask. It was a good lesson for me to learn. Nothing lasts forever and I feel like an idiot for even caring, but it is what it is, right? I'll just have to write more often and think less. Thinking is over rated anyway. Who needs to think in order to be happy? Mindless droning, that's where all of the happiness lies. Speaking without getting any reaction and laughing all alone. Oh well, it was a good run!