Expectations

What is it with men? Unless you are actively yelling at them, they think everything is hunky dory. Heaven forbid that you bring up any type of dissatisfaction. It's like you slapped a puppy or something. I swear, why, just because I say that I will try to work on things does that mean that I, alone, will work on things. He actually asked me the other day if he was doing a good job of paying attention to me. It makes me sound like I'm some kind of attention craving narcissist who can't hear enough about how wonderful I am. Like being nice to me is so hard that it takes every ounce of energy in his body to be civil to me. I swear, I do not ask for much. I know there are women out there who think they are low maintenance and are unbelievably high maintenance. I'm pretty sure I would be able to tell if I were one of them. I guess they don't know - so I might not know - but that's neither here nor there. Just believe me, I 'm not. Anyway, all I ask is to let me know if he's not going to be home until 11 or 12 o'clock at night and when he does finally get home say "hi" instead of staying downstairs and watching TV after an entire day of not talking to me. I can handle all of the running for the kids and all of the meetings and appointments. Actually, I can even handle the not coming home until all hours and leaving at the crack of dawn as long as I know what to expect. The problem is when I expect him home or for dinner or to bring one of the kids somewhere then he calls and says he can't make it. The problem is not that he can't do it. It is that he ever said he would do it in the first place. If he thinks these are unreasonable requests then I think we have a problem. I never promise anything to my kids that I can't deliver on. I think that comes from a childhood of always expecting to see my dad at my school stuff and him never being able to make it. I think if I just knew he wasn't coming from the beginning I would have handled it better. I tell my kids "I will try" or "we'll see" because if you promise to do something and then back out, they never forget it. When he does this guess who is left holding the bag? Why didn't daddy take me here or there or why didn't daddy come home tonight. To think that an adults actions cannot profoundly affect a child is pure stupidity or selfishness or maybe a little bit of both. Kids are always listening and they hear every word you say to them even when it seems like they aren't listening. Expectations are very powerful. When a meeting or something you are expecting to go well goes not as well as you had hoped you feel like you've failed - even though you haven't actually failed you just had a higher expectation. Not that you shouldn't have high expectations, you should, but when part of the equation includes the actions of another person you have to take into consideration what that person is capable of delivering. I can't make decisions for another person and if they are trivializing what I believe when does it end? This is a huge issue with me, I always think things are going to be better than they end up being. I realize that marriage takes a lot of work and I am willing to work as hard as I have to. But when do you know if he incapable of meeting my expectations or am I incapable of lowering my expectations to meet what he is willing to give? I guess there is no answer to that but I need to figure out if I am being unreasonable or if he isn't trying as hard as he could be. I am willing to try to figure all of this out as long as I'm not believing in expectations that can never be met.