Inanimate Object Versus Animate Object

I don't know if I should be left in charge of children. I don't think someone with my intelligence level is capable of taking care of living, breathing things. Get this, guess what I lost today? My nose ring. How the F do you lose a nose ring?!? Actually it is pretty easy. Any time you wipe your nose your ring is in danger. It is in a very precocious spot during nose blowing or wiping. I have, on more than one occasion, found said ring teetering on a tissue ready to be thrown away forever. That ring and I have been on a bumpy ride together. I am very surprised it lasted this long. I got my nose pierced in 2002 for Mother's Day. I had always wanted one and I figured at age thirty-one I could do whatever I damn well pleased! I never regretted it, even now when every little sixteen year old who walks by has one. I like the way it looks. And this way, when my kids are rebelling, they won't get a nose ring because it is too uncool - their mom has one! Pretty smart, eh? Yeah, I know, my kids will be one of the few people on earth who won't do the opposite of what their parents did and they will all come home with piercings of one kind or another just so I can be proven wrong. Anyway, my nose ring and I were getting along just fine until I went to my friend Jon's funeral in 2003. I was mourning at his casket saying my final good-byes when I blew my nose into a tissue. Pretty normal stuff for a funeral, right? Suddenly I realized the ring was gone. I looked at Jon and could almost see him smirking at me. I swore if my ring were in his casket I would die of embarrassment. If Jon had the ability, he would have been laughing his ass off. I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible as I looked around for it. After what felt like an eternity, I finally found it lying on the floor under the casket. I reached down and grabbed it. I have no idea what people thought I was doing, but no one ever asked me, so hopefully they didn't notice me scrounging around under there or they were just too polite to say anything. Then, a couple of years later, I was just sitting around the house and I absentmindedly blew my nose and went about whatever I was doing at the time. Awhile later I realized it was gone and I started freaking out - like my mom when she loses her contact lens. I was like "Okay, I'm not moving, look around me on the floor. It's gotta be around here somewhere". And it was... in my bra. It must have fallen in and just sat there until I found it - kinda like my mom's contact lens! The third time was more recently, a few months ago I was at a bar and all of a sudden I was like, "shit"! I think I sat there for about thirty minutes, saying to myself, "If I don't' move too far, I will find it". And I did!!! It was just sitting there on the floor waiting to be found. I took it home and sanitized the shit out of it. It was good as new - smile and nod. But this time I'm afraid I won't be seeing my old friend again. I did what I swore I would never do, I blew my nose and never even thought about my nose ring. I was on my walk this afternoon when I noticed it was gone. At least a half an hour and a few trips through the house to get various things I needed for my walk had gone by. I don't think I am lucky enough to find it in my bra this time. Oh well, it was a good ring. I will miss her and all of the good times we spent together. Point being, if I can't take care of all of the inanimate objects in my life like rings and car keys and my tiny little hair clips that I keep losing, what hope is there for my kids? Is it just a matter of time before I misplace one of them too? I have always had that fear. I've had dreams where I'd leave the house with the baby belted into her car seat but she was on top of the car. Or I would be shopping and I would come home with the car filled with tons of packages and bags but when the it was unloaded, one of the kids was missing. To this day I have to count my kids about a thousand times a day and if I don't get to five I panic, if only for a second, until I figure out where the hell they all are. Maybe all of the time I spend worrying about losing my kids uses up all of my inanimate object keeping track of ability. I guess the children would be the better choice of what to put my obviously limited mental capacity towards. This story wouldn't be nearly as amusing if I were talking about how Eddie had fallen out of my nose and we would miss her because I had thrown her out with the trash...or maybe it would!