Productive Member of Society or Soccer Mom?

I am seriously wondering what my purpose on this earth is. I think if there was ever a need for a neurotic procrastinating complainer then that would be it. Since no one needs one of those, then what is left for me? They always say, go with your strengths. What if your strengths just annoy people? I have many positive qualities, I'm sure, but without the means to access them in a way as to be a productive member of society, what hope do I have? I am perfectly capable of making lots of cool things. I can cook and paint and fix pretty much anything. I can have fun and laugh and be silly with my kids. I can write and draw and garden. I have so much knowledge up in my brain it is sickening. So, why do I feel like I am not contributing to society? Would it be because I am not using any of that so called "knowledge" to better myself and my situation? How do I go from potential to promise? How can I take my strengths and turn them into productive chunks of actual life changing time? I don't know. I keep saying if I had less negativity around me, I'd be able to do it. I don't know if that is true. I'm sure it would help, but that in and of itself will not be enough. I need to be able to make progress in the situation that I am in. I need to go forward and show myself and anyone else who cares, that I can be productive and self sufficient. Maybe those words "you aren't contributing" bothered me so much because I half believed them myself. What if I am completely dependant on others to survive? What if I went to try to make a go of it and I failed? I have been having so much bad luck lately it's beginning to worry me. I know I have the raw materials, but do I have what it takes to build something with them? My life is like my house, too much crap and not enough organization. I need to focus on what I really want to do and make that my passion. I need to get rid of all of the other crap that is cluttering up my life and then I will be able to focus on a path that will make sense. But, what to throw and what to keep? Another one of my problems. I am a major pack rat even though I realize that if I would just start tossing the effect would be immediate. I would feel like a weight had been lifted and I would be able to breathe again. For some reason it is a very daunting task for me. I will have to just work on it one box at a time and one bad habit at a time and one bad influence at a time until I am rid of all of my baggage. This is going to take a while. Oh well, it's a good thing I am so dependent and don't have to worry about having to support myself anytime soon...at least that's what I've been told!



It was sooooo cold for Max's game last night. I, of course, didn't believe that it was going to be that bad. I did, however, bring a jacket and umbrella, just in case. The field they were playing on looked deceivingly like grass but it was, in fact, a swamp. Every step you took you could hear the water squishing under your shoes. Before the game even started the boys were covered in mud and freezing cold. Every time one of them fell it sounded like a belly flop smacking on the surface of a pool. They would go to kick the crap out of the ball and it would go about a foot and then stick in the mud. They were flying past the balls thinking that the balls were going to go further. It was a fun, but painful, game to watch. I was freezing on the sidelines, I can't even imagine being soaking wet and then having to run through the puddles while everyone on the sidelines keeps shouting at you, "It's just a little water. You'll be fine!" on top of it. Eddie, of course, begged to come along because at Max's games the park is right there so she can play the entire time. She was doing just fine until she came over to talk to us once and the chair she was sitting in tipped forward. She put her hand on the ground to help herself up which, in turn, got her sweatshirt sleeve all wet. She started crying because she doesn't like to be wet and proceeded to take off her sweatshirt. Everyone told her she should put it back on because it was too cold, but you know Ed, she left it there and went off to play. That was about halfway through the game. I don't know if she was just a glutton for punishment or if, for her, being wet is really that much worse than being cold, but she never came back to get warm and she never complained about being cold. This from a girl who cries at the thought of a strong wind blowing on her because she will "freeze". Kids are so interesting. Maybe they think the same about us and that's why they keep doing the things they know will bother us. Maybe we are all each others big science experiment. And, like scientists, we will just keep trying to get reactions until we understand the process. Sadly, we are experimenting on each other, so the variables keep changing and we will never be able to figure out what makes each other tick. At least it keeps it interesting until we finally give up and just let each other live our own lives... eventually! After the game we went to Los to warm up. That was fun until Eddie decided that the entire restaurant needed to hear her rendition of "Sun, Sun, Mister Golden Sun, Please Shine Down On Me". It was time to go. Eddie may think she has the best singing voice on the planet but those people were there for dinner, not dinner and a show, which she failed to understand. After a small scuffle at the mint dispenser, we headed home to warm up and dry off. Another soccer game in the books. Only another thirty-some to go! Yay!