Lucky me?

I am sitting on my deck drinking a cup of coffee. The sun is shinning, the birds are singing and I feel like there's a Mack truck parked right on my soul. What the hell is wrong with this picture. I should be grateful for this beautiful day and my wonderful kids but due to a series of events which I will not bore you with, I am just numb. Why am I so all or nothing? I am never happy in the middle. I have no right to complain. Sure I'm having issues, but who doesn't? Do I sound like a broken record here. It seems like I am just going day by day making excuses for why the day before this one sucked and what I could have done to make it not suck and then regretting the fact that I did not do the un-sucky thing. Whine, whine, whine. I am so over this roller coaster of a life I have. I'm never sure what is going to set the fighting off and I'm afraid that I may be the cause. If I'm not actually starting the fights, maybe it is because of a perceived attitude that I have directed towards him even if I'm not aware of it. A person can only put up with so much before they break. I need some non mixed messages and soon. We go from every things fine to I'm the biggest bitch on the planet in one fail swoop. I certainly never intended to hurt his feelings. Or did I? Everyone wants to believe they are so holier than thou when it comes to who started which fight and whose points were the most valid. It takes at least two people to disagree and I'm just as guilty. Whether I feel like I have just cause or not, it doesn't really matter. Until I can stay completely out of the negativity and accusing. It will never stop. It's like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum. If you ignore their actions the tantrum will eventually go away, you just have to be patient and calm. The more words and actions you pour over that tantrum the higher the flames will burn until it eventually blows up and everyone involved is tired and miserable, and sometimes damaged beyond recognition. I need to stop fueling the fire. Hopefully it will burn itself out. It is so hard not to take the bait. Especially when they know all of your buttons and the exact moment to press them to put you into all out bitch mode. I'm trying to ignore as much as I can. Maybe if I can be less reactive and they can be a little more proactive it will get better. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky.